(so he WANTS to be worthy of you)
Okay, here’s a personal question for you …
Have you ever felt like you’re with a BOY, instead of a MAN?
Like the man you fell for has retreated into that secret place back behind his eyes somewhere … and you’re left out here, cold and lonely, feeling like YOU’RE the only one actually participating in this relationship.
Or maybe you feel like he’s given up on you. Like he’s just going through the motions. Like you’ve become his maid and his mother, instead of his lover and his partner. Maybe the sex feels suddenly rote, dutiful, paint-by-numbers, instead of hot, sweaty, spontaneous and nasty.
Weird behavior … fear of commitment … non-committal flip-flopping … sudden loss of interest … or just sheer plain romantic laziness:
Whatever you want to call it, HERE is where we need to talk about EXACTLY what men need to feel, and stay, committed to you and your happiness.
Follow these three magical steps, and I swear by all that’s holy, you will be SHOCKED at how simple it really is to transform even the biggest romantic numbskull into a hotblooded lion-hearted lover whose biggest desire is to make you happy … and keep you that way.
Men are simple creatures. These steps are simple, too – you won’t have any trouble understanding them or following them. The key here is that ACTION IS REQUIRED – not a single thing will happen for you unless you actually do what I’m about to tell you.
Simple. Magical. And it works.
Are you ready? Let’s go!
Step One: Make Us Feel Like We Hung the Freaking Moon
(And No Other Man Could Do It Better)
It is VITAL that your man feels like he is your Most Special Person – like he is the only guy who could ever truly make you happy.
Remember how we talked about COMPETITION being one of our biggest driving forces as men? Well, here is where you’re going to put that need-to-win streak to work for you.
Make us feel like we’re the WINNER.
Like we trounced all other men.
Like WE ARE THE CHAMPION!
Publicly honor us and our ‘boyfriending abilities’, brag about us, and for god’s sake make sure we can tell that you feel loved and happy.
Now here’s the kicker:
To be an amazing partner to you, a man absolutely NEEDS to feel that he is succeeding at being a good husband, boyfriend, father, provider, handyman, take-out-the-trasher.
That means that even if you don’t feel he’s the only one who could make you happy right now, you still need to ACT like you do … and SHOW him that you do.
Here’s why:
Cuz when you proudly brag, with sparkles in your eyes and a smile on your face, about how great we are and how happy we make you, it makes us run up and down the nearest mountain with a megaphone shrieking “I’M THE CHAMPION! ME! ME! I DID IT! I WON! AAARRGHHHHH!”
… And if you keep on doing this?
| It gets us ADDICTED to being with you and MAKES us want to stay with you forever and ever… |
…because now we know how amazing it feels to win – and we want more.
Remember, guys aren’t mind-readers (I don’t think I’m exactly telling you anything new here); and we constantly worry that we aren’t doing a good job at being your boyfriend, husband, and man.
Honestly? Most of us feel like we’re just making everything up as we go along. And ALL of us are constantly dreading the confirmation that, well, we kinda suck: that we can’t do it right, that we left the toilet seat up again, that we’re the idiot blunderer who can’t make our woman happy because we suck as a man.
Here’s the real-life translation of these feelings:
If you belittle him in front of other people, often or openly challenge his way of doing things, or seem unhappy with him as your man, it will eat him alive from the inside and will absolutely destroy the relationship from the inside out like an insidious flesh-eating virus. (Eeeew.)
The bottom line: if we feel like we’re not measuring up, something inside us withers and dies; and that’s when we get sad, we get distant, and we give up.
But if we feel like we have BEAT OTHER MEN (which, as you now know, is one of our biggest drivers in life), we will FIGHT to keep that feeling – and we will slay dragons and kill giants with our bare hands just to keep that smile on your face.
I’m not saying you need to set up an altar in your living room to us, or lick the dust off our feet with your tongue (eewwwwww) … all you need to do is make sure we know we’re doing a good job and that (here’s the kicker) you’re PROUD of us.
Touching us often and openly is a great start.
Cupping our butts as you walk past in the morning? Excellent.
Saying things like ‘Whatever you give me, I will love’ when we ask you what flavor muffin you want from the bakery? Freaking AMAZING.
Again, this isn’t about you becoming a doormat. Boundaries and a backbone are VITAL to your happiness, healthiness, and – yes – your irresistibility to men, so for the love of god, please keep on being your sassy, feisty, self-respecting, moxie-riddled self. (Plus, I’ll say it again: men love a challenge.)
Just let us know we’re doing a good job from time to time. Don’t immediately contradict us or second-guess us all the time. Smile at us like we hung the moon every so often.
Above all, let us know we’re WINNING. Take our competitive drive and use it to get what you want! Because to a guy, there is NOTHING more prized than something he had to beat other men to get.
Do these things, and you will be one happy lady.
Step Two: We Are Encouragement Addicts. Please Treat Us as Such.
To a guy, your affirmation is everything.
When we feel like we’re succeeding at making you happy, we can take on the world with one hand tied behind us.
And when we don’t?
Our confidence drizzles out the soles of our feet, our manhood curls up and vanishes underground, and we feel about as strong, manly, and energetic as a wet sock.
Here’s the trick: it’s all about what WE think that YOU think of us.
In other words, we can vanquish enemies, build you a castle in the clouds, lead men to victory and win battles barehanded … if WE believe that YOU believe we can.
This is a for-real self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe in us (and we know it!), we are empowered to go out and do better in EVERY area of life … because we know that when we come back home, YOU will be there to give us a hug, wipe our sweaty brow, and tell us something like, ‘Hell yeah, baby! You’ve totally got this; I KNOW you can do it!’
Step Three: Don’t Tear Us Down.
This is the dark side of the self-fulfilling prophecy: unfortunately, many women tend to focus their attention on what he’s doing WRONG in the relationship – and thereby totally undermine what you want from him most of all.
Remember, we feel like huge impostors all the time anyway. Being a guy is a constant struggle to prove ourselves – to the world, to our parents, to our friends, to ourselves, and most of all to YOU.
To get what you want from a man, focus your attention on what he’s doing right, not what he’s doing wrong.
By the way, this is also how you train dogs. Don’t tell anyone I said this, but men aren’t that much different.
Step Four: We Are Built to Do Things for You – So Let Us!
Fact: the art and science of getting a man’s heart requires the appearance of slight uncertainty on your part.
And, it is this exact uncertainty that allows a man to feel like he is a) in control of the situation, and b) the WINNER (when you eventually let him catch you.)
Here’s how it works:
Men, as you now know, are born competitors and we are wired to TAKE CONTROL. Everything is a competition or a strategy or a gameplan – and YES, this definitely applies to romance and relationships!
This means, when you are dating a man and you leave him wondering a little as to what it is you really want from him (“It’s been two months and she hasn’t even asked me if I see myself being married one day! What is going ON?!”) that’s when the idea of commitment becomes intensely desirable to him because now the ball is in HIS court and he has a chance to take control – therefore he is in charge and WINNING (ding-ding-ding!)
On the other hand, if you start probing about his ‘intentions’ or ‘where this is going’, now he feels emasculated and like you are ‘forcing’ a relationship on him.
Getting trapped by a woman who chose HIM is emasculating.
Struggling and striving to get the woman he really wants is WINNING.
See the difference?
Any time you try to instigate a ‘leveling up’, or try to move things forward, the guy will become cagey and reluctant to do so. (Btw, this remains true whether the timeframe is two weeks or ten years.)
WARNING WARNING WARNING: I am not saying you need to act cold, disinterested, or refrain from texting him cute little nothings whenever you feel like it. Flirt, charm, and smile away (and the more, the better!)
What I AM saying is THIS: at every opportunity to deepen the relationship, you have to make it HIS IDEA to do so. Men are competitors and we need a challenge and we need to WIN. Therefore, we have to chase you … until you let us WIN you.
By the way – we also need to feel like WE wear the pants (at least some of the time) in other parts of the relationship, too – not just the romantic time frame. We are built to PROVIDE for you and to do things FOR you, so let us!
Ask us to fix things for you even if you know we’ll do a wonky job and lose half the screws.
Say things like, “I could really use your opinion. Could I ask your advice on something?”
Let us pay for a meal if we want to – yes, even if we’re on welfare and you’re earning $200k a year.
If we want to do something for you, LET US. And then give us the shiny happy-eyes and say thank you like we just made your entire year. This is how you get a man to strive for your happiness day in and day out: by taking advantage of his innate desire to WIN, and then making him FEEL like a winner when he does it.
Step Five: Always, always, ALWAYS have our back.
(Even and especially when we’ve fucked up.)
Want to know what men are secretly afraid of?
Here it is: that we will need you … and you won’t be there for us.
If you want a man to give you his heart (and MEAN it), you must be prepared to stand by him – ESPECIALLY when he’s messed up big-time.
Yup, this is true even if your best friend, your sister, and your mom all say otherwise. Loyalty is huge to men, and if we sense that you don’t truly have our back, we will find someone else who does.
Obviously, there will be times when this is extremely tough to do. But the worst thing you can ever do to a man is to leave him high and dry when he’s asking for your support – to break your loyalty to him.
(That’s why it hurts SO MUCH when women have an affair – not only because we tend to gauge our self-worth by how attracted to us you are sexually, but also because it’s a MASSIVE betrayal of our trust.)
The world is a big, confusing and stressful place, and if we are in love with you, we NEED NEED NEED to know that you will be there for us when we need your support.
Now, obviously this doesn’t mean you turn into a doormat and give him the doggy-dinner-bowl-eyes even when he got drunk and set your car on fire.
(Psst – if you’re dating a guy who actually does stuff like drunkenly set your car on fire, that’s a big red flashing warning sign that he’s NOT a quality man. See Module 3, Lesson 5 – The Asshole Identifier for more info)
In all seriousness though, you can (and should!) speak your mind to him – with empathy and kindness – in the privacy of your own relationship and your own home. (For more specific examples of exactly how to do this, check out Module 2, Lesson 5: How to Criticize a Guy.)
But to do this publicly? That is a completely different story.
For a man to fall in love (and stay in love) with you, he must feel that you will never humiliate him, demean him in public, or turn your back on him; and that he can and should rely on you to be there by his side when he messes up.
A quick summary of what we’ve covered in this module:
- To get a guy to be, and stay, committed to you and your happiness, make a habit of (every so often) dropping a quick Public Brag about him. Facebook is excellent for this. Something simple like a pic of you guys together, captioned something like “OMG look at those MUSCLES!!! Argh yes” is perfect. (You don’t need to be ‘witty’, so don’t worry about trying to be funny or clever. Just put him in the limelight – he’ll looooove it.)
- If your guy never, EVER gets to feel like he’s hung the moon for you, he WILL eventually get cold, get weird, and give up on you – and the relationship. So, make sure he knows you’re proud of him – that you think he’s got an ass like two rockmelons, that his jokes make you laugh like a loon, that even your dog thinks he’s the bees’ knees. Smile at him with your heart in your eyes sometimes. Smack his butt when he walks past you in the hallway. When he makes you coffee in the morning, appreciate the HELL out of him for it (even if his barista skills are frankly awful.) Guys need a hint of WINNING before they can get addicted to you – so give him a little taste.
- To get what you want from a man, make him feel AWESOME for the stuff he does right (and forget about ‘complaining’ your way to a better boyfriend.) Praise is the sweet sweet nectar that makes us putty in your hands.
| We’re hardwired to do things for the women we’re into – so let us! |
- Asking for our help, our opinion, our advice, makes us feel like a giant among men. We’re hardwired to do things for the women we’re into – so let us! (And then give us the goo-goo happy-eyes when we’re done and thank us like we just made your year.)
- We prize loyalty above all else – so to get a guy’s undying devotion, make a habit of sticking by him, even and especially when he has screwed something up. (Obviously, this doesn’t apply if you’re dating a low-quality loser – but you’re a Make Him Worship You woman now, which means you don’t date low-quality guys anymore.) If a quality guy knows you’ll be there for him when he’s made a world-class mess of something, he will never (ever) forget it – or you.
- If you want to bring up a tricky, spiky, or potentially painful subject, do it one-on-one with him. Don’t write Facebook posts ‘vaguely’ alluding to strife between you. Don’t invite all your girlfriends round and discuss your relationship issues when he’s in the next room. For a guy to give you his heart, he NEEDS to know that he can trust you with it – which means he needs to know you’ve got his back, and that you’ll never humiliate him by airing his dirty laundry in public.
