When Jennifer popped her head into the garage one Saturday afternoon to ask Sam if he wanted a cup of coffee, she could intuitively sense that something was “off”. There was an unusually tense expression on his face, and his eyes seemed distant and guarded.
Instantly realizing that Sam wasn’t acting like his normal cheerful self, Jennifer slid around the side of the car and headed over to where he was wiping down his road bike. She’d find out what had happened, and hopefully make him feel happier again.
“Hey Sam! Is everything ok?” she asked quietly.
“Everything’s FINE,” he snapped. “I just want to get this bike finished”.
He turned his back and started furiously scrubbing at an oily spot on the garage floor.
“Well, everything doesn’t SEEM fine to me. You seem pretty annoyed. Has something happened?” she questioned.
“NO. EVERYTHING’S FINE” he barked without turning around to look at her.
Geez – well you don’t need to speak to me like that!” Jennifer replied, feeling stung at his angry tone. “I was just trying to HELP. I won’t bother then!”
Jennifer whirled on her heels and marched back inside, banging the door closed behind her. Why was he so ANGRY with her? And what on earth was wrong? Clearly something was the matter, so why wouldn’t he just tell her? Didn’t he trust her? Or was he annoyed with HER about something?
Her mind started racing and she could feel her cheerful mood totally disappear, leaving her chest aching with hurt and frustration. That quick conversation had sent her emotions into a downward spiral and put a huge rift in their relationship, and she had no idea how to fix it.
| If only more people knew about the 4 simple words that can get any man to OPEN HIS HEART and reveal his deepest, heart-felt feelings. |
So often, relationships are sabotaged because women don’t realize how to approach a man when he’s feeling vulnerable – and men don’t have a clue about how to respond either!
Have you ever CLEARLY been able to see that your man is stressed or upset about something…
… but he totally denies it?
Maybe he’s not acting like himself… or he’s irritable and grumpy…
… but even your kindest and most loving words just seem to make him turn further away?
Have you ever felt like he won’t engage in the emotional side of your relationship? He just clamps his lips shut when all you want is to know how he REALLY feels about you?
It’s enough to drive anyone crazy!
These 4 secret words can open a world of intimacy and trust between you
We all know that men and women are vastly different when it comes to communication styles. Guys know it. YOU know it too. The trouble is, we aren’t told what to actually DO or SAY to make the situation better!
To feel happy and joyful and LOVED in a relationship, most women need to feel that their boyfriend, husband, or prospective lover are being truthful, right? You need to feel that sense of connection, an intimacy that comes from sharing personal truths with each other, creating the feeling of having found your ‘soul mate’ or true partner in life.
If you don’t feel that your partner TRUSTS you enough to share his feelings, you’re probably going to feel shut out and hurt. You’re going to feel like he’s hiding something, or that he doesn’t value you enough to tell you the truth about his feelings.
Without TRUST and INTIMACY, any relationship is going to crumble.
But as we discussed in Part One, men just aren’t wired to have open hearts, and to easily share their feelings.
Don’t give up on him!
Luckily, there are four special words that can unlock his secret heart, and have him pouring out his true feelings, forging a powerful bond that will take your relationship to a place of incredible strength and joy.
The 4 ‘Heart Opener’ Words to Use And WHY
Now that you understand WHY most men really struggle with opening up, you can see that unless you CAREFULLY and STRATEGICALLY support him, this issue with emotional vulnerability can sabotage the relationship.
The secret words aren’t just to be SAID out loud.
He also needs to FEEL your commitment to these words, before he can open up.
The four magic heart-opener words are…
“I’ve got your back”.
In other words, he needs to totally and completely feel SAFE in the idea of sharing his feelings with you. He needs to know, on every level, that you truly “have his back”. No matter what happens or what he admits to, you’re not going to stop loving him. You’re not going to stop respecting him. You’re there to support HIM if he opens up to you.
I want to emphasize that you can’t just SAY THE WORDS “I’ve got your back”. We all know that men are more about actions than words. You need to SHOW him.
Once he feels safe that you’re still going to respect him as a man, even if he shows his soft and vulnerable side, he will finally start to SLOWLY open up.
Follow these steps to SHOW that you’ve got his back no matter what…
Next time you want him to open his heart; you need to follow these steps to adjust your behavior, as well as your words.
Because of the intense vulnerability of the situation, the first few times he starts to open up to you are VERY IMPORTANT. If you shut him down now, you will ABSOLUTELY sabotage the relationship and it will be extra difficult (maybe even impossible) for him to trust you enough to try opening up to you again.
1. Adjust Your Body Language
This might sound crazy, but one of the best ways to adjust your body language for this situation is to imagine you are trying to soothe a very small, freaked-out puppy.
Allow your body to fall into a place of CALM, where you move slowly and talk in a very soothing tone of voice.
If he seems calm enough and appears to want to be touched, then you can slowwwwlllly stroke his shoulder a little bit (or put your hand gently on his thigh), or just sit near him quietly if he’s too highly strung and agitated to be touched.
You keep your movements small and slow. You breathe in a relaxed, slow, full way. You keep your eyes SOFT … think ‘warm gaze’ instead of ‘glare’ or ‘stare’. You basically model the behavior you want him to sink into.
2. Make Him Feel Heard and Respected
Ask him questions that are easy to answer IF he seems like he wants to talk right now. E.g. “what’s going on with you right now?” or “How are you doing over there, big guy?”
Reassure him verbally that WHATEVER he’s feeling right now and HOWEVER he is choosing to show those feelings is totally and completely the right way to be.
Brace yourself – that might mean he needs some alone time, or some space to think. That’s okay too, and you need to respect that!
It’s important to remind yourself that this is respecting what he NEEDS, and truly listening.
Ways to make him feel heard and respected are to:
- Repeat back parts of what he says (in slightly different words), so he knows you’re listening, e.g. “So you’re saying that Dave didn’t deserve that promotion, right?”
- Ask quick questions to show you’re interested.
- Don’t interrupt or tell him a “story” about something similar that happened to you. You might think it’s helping, but it’s REALLY IMPORTANT to keep the conversation about HIM if you ever want him to open up.
- Show that you still respect him even if he feels like a failure. For example, if he’s upset because he lost his job, you can say “You’re experienced and intelligent. I’m sure it’s just because the industry is struggling. You’ll be snapped up!”
3. Keep It Light
The 4 magic words “I’ve got your back” are chosen very carefully, because they have the perfect balance of CARING while still keeping it LIGHT.
Men tend to be more comfortable, AT FIRST, with ‘light’ ways of showing vulnerability. You’re not dropping him in the deep end of emotional sharing. These 4 special words keep it casual and not “scary” or “too emotional”.
4. Don’t Push Him Too Hard If He’s Not Ready to Talk
Your job right now is to provide EMPATHY and COMFORT so that he learns, “hey she really does have my back!”
If you ask him “Is everything ok?” and he replies, “Everything’s FINE”, you need to allow him to be the leader. It’s your job to back off and try again later when he seems more open to communicating.
If you keep prodding, and try to FORCE him to open up, then he’s definitely NOT going to feel like you’ve got his back.
He’ll let you in when he’s truly ready and feeling more relaxed – maybe over a beer after dinner, or when you’re driving somewhere together the next day. You want him to feel, hey it actually feels GOOD and RIGHT to relax and let my shit out like this.
What NOT to do:
- Impose your idea of what emotions he ‘should’ be showing right now. For example, don’t tell him how you THINK he feels, or force your own personal solutions to emotions on him, e.g. “Well this is what I do when I feel <emotion>”. Just LISTEN to him instead – his emotions and his ways of coping are very different to yours!
- Whatever you do, DON’T MAKE IT ABOUT YOU. This moment is about HIM. Don’t let statements or questions pass your lips that are anything like “Why can’t you open up to me? Why can’t you just TRUST ME?” Remember, let him be the leader of how the conversation goes, it might not be the right time for him yet. Showing any sign of irritation or frustration will immediately make him bottle up his feelings.
- Don’t start crying or get angry if he doesn’t open up. Your job right now is to be CURIOUS, EMPATHETIC, CALM, and COMPASSIONATE. If he clams up and you get irritated that he doesn’t want to share what’s wrong, he’ll only think to himself “Well I REALLY don’t want to talk now!” Getting upset or angry is one of the quickest ways to sabotage the situation. If you DO feel upset, simply say “I’ve got your back if you ever want to chat” in a genuinely warm voice and walk away.
- Avoid telling your own story. Just LISTEN, nod, and listen some more. A man’s emotional time is NOT the time to tell a story about something similar that happened to you. Even if you think you’re helping, this will make him feel like you’re not listening.
- Don’t criticize or get emotional about his point of view – even if you don’t agree. This can be REALLY HARD, but just remember that a man is terrified that his partner will lose faith in him, or lose respect for him. Show your respect and show that you HAVE HIS BACK no matter what.
Using the Actual Words
Remember, those four crucial words to get him to unlock his heart and reveal his innermost feelings are…
“I’ve got your back”
These 4 simple words will work wonders, but the magic is in HOW you say them, the TONE you use, and your own BODY LANGUAGE during the conversation. It’s not just about the words themselves.
You can also say these 4 words in a few different ways, and that’s totally okay and fine. The point of making it ‘FOUR words’ is to make sure you don’t overwhelm the poor guy (because come on, this is a whole new world of emotions and feelings being released for him!)
As long as you keep your supportive words SHORT and MANAGEABLE, he’ll understand that you’ve got his back.
So while you’re being calm, warm, and either touching him gently or giving him soft eyes, you can say things like…
- I’m here if you need me
- It’s okay, I got you
- Whatever your feeling is OK
- What do you need from me right now? How can I help?
Just Remember, When a Man Says “Nothing’s the Matter”…
When you ask a man, “What’s the matter?” or, “Is everything ok?” and he doesn’t reply, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t trust you.
It simply means that his feelings are buried so deep from DECADES of having to hide his true emotions that he’s protecting the very core of his manhood. He’s not used to being vulnerable, and terrified of rejection. Don’t give up on him! Use the powerful empathy and caring steps above to SHOW him that you’ve truly “got his back”. With these 4 simple words, he’ll soon have a ‘lightbulb’ moment that it feels right and safe to reveal his heart to you and share his innermost feelings to create incredible levels of trust and intimacy in your relationship.
