(and the 4-word question to NEVER ask a Man)
Sarah lay in bed next to her new lover John. After a wonderful 2nd date, they’d just finished making love for the very first time.
And after all the sweating, the moaning, the whispering and giggling and touching and passionate connection …now John lay dozing beside her, while Sarah stared at the ceiling with eyes wide open.
Unlike John, Sarah is not relaxed. Sarah is not blissed out.
There is no afterglow for Sarah.
Instead, Sarah is about to ruin EVERYTHING. And she doesn’t even know it.
As she lay there staring anxiously at the ceiling, she thought about how long she’d liked John, how special he was, how tall and handsome and smart and SWEET he was.
She’d meant to make him wait for sex … but everything had gone so amazingly well on the date. Over a wonderful dinner, they’d connected deeply – laughing and teasing each other, talking about their hopes and dreams, sharing deeply personal secrets with one another.
And Sarah had felt that awful bubble of HOPE rising in her chest again.
“This could actually be IT,” she’d thought to herself as she sipped her second glass of wine. “This could really, actually, be IT.”
She’d MEANT to make him wait.
But when he walked her to her door and kissed her goodnight, she just couldn’t resist asking him in for ‘coffee and’ … and one thing led to another …
And now she was naked in bed next to her sleeping lover, worrying that she’d moved too fast, and wishing he’d wake up, roll over, look her in the eye, and say something … well, something reassuring.
Something like “that was amazing.”
Or maybe a half-joking, “where have you BEEN my whole life??’
Heck, she’d even settle for a sleepy kiss on the cheek and a heavy arm snaking around her shoulders, pulling her in close and making her feel safe and warm and WANTED.
But instead, John just lay there on his back and snored a little. And Sarah’s hands began to KNOT in the sheets.
She KNEW she should just let him doze.
She KNEW she should just let things unfold at their own pace.
But that knot of anxiety woke up inside her and started to clench and roil deep in her stomach … and the tension inside her grew to a fevered pitch … and she couldn’t shut out that -painful yearning HUNGER, that fearful NEED for another CONNECTION with the man who’d just spent the last hour panting and moaning over her body in gasping extremes of passion.
So she rolled onto her side … she shook John gently awake …
And she whispered a four-word question that would end up driving John from her bed, from her home, and ultimately, from her life.
Sarah doesn’t know it yet …
… but after tonight, she’ll never see John again.
***********************************************
What went WRONG here??
In my decade-plus as a relationship coach, I can tell you right now that what happened to Sarah happens to billions of women all over the world.
It happens every single day. It happens out of a clear blue sky. And it happens because of one reason and one reason ONLY:
POWER.
Now, before you get all weirded-out and turned off by that word, just hang on a sec. I know, I know, ‘power’ is kind of an ugly-sounding concept to wrap your head around when it comes to love and relationships.
But the truth is, understanding – and WIELDING – the power you already have within you right now is your most VITAL jump-off point to truly achieving the kind of blissed-out, deeply-connected worshipful love most women spend a lifetime longing for (yet so few actually get to experience.)
POWER is THE KEY to getting the kind of love other women live a LIFETIME longing for.
You know … the kind of love where he doesn’t just say ‘I love you’, but actually shows it.
The kind of love where he does things like ….
- Stays up ‘til 3 am rubbing your back and bringing you cold medicine when you have the flu, even though he’s got a 12-hour day tomorrow at the office and a presentation he hasn’t even prepared for yet.
- Spontaneously announces your relationship to the world all on his own – updating his relationship status and posting photos of you all over his Facebook with captions like ‘Me and my amazing lady enjoying the sun – how did I ever enjoy weekends before she came along?” and ‘Hands off, guys, THIS one is MINE!!”
- Where he takes the day off work to help you move house (even though, as we all know, moving house is what they do in hell.)
- Where he overhears you say one time you wished you had more bookshelves in your apartment … and the next day you come home from work to find him squatting on your floor, wearing his adorable painters’ whites, building you bookshelves out of planks and nails with his own two hands.
- Where he makes an extra trip back to the store just for you, even though he’s starving hungry and he only just came BACK from there because he forgot your favorite brand of wine and he wants to see you smile.
- Where he constantly tells you how beautiful you are first thing in the morning – yup, without makeup, hair all greasy, gross soupy morning breath, AND you’re wearing that big ugly egg-stained T-shirt you got from a team-building exercise at work that time.
- Where he joyfully comes with you in ALL the parts of your life – not just the ‘fun’ stuff, but (this is key) for the ‘boring’ stuff too – stuff like picking out a new couch, or walking your dog, just because he loves your company THAT much.
Yeah. A REAL relationship. POWER, ladies.
POWER is THE KEY to attracting any man you want like a moth to a (sexy, sexy) flame.
Men are sensing, evaluating, and FEELING your power from the first moment of eye contact.
But…
‘Feeling’ it is not ALL they do.
They’re also USING it to EVALUATE you.
In fact, as far as male romantic psychology goes, I need you to know that men split the world of women into TWO categories:
Placeholders OR…. Dreamgirls
|
I think we all know what a placeholder is: a ‘just for now’ girl. Someone to kill time with (and have sex with) until an actual Dreamgirl comes along.
So how do you tell the difference between the two? Well, let’s take a look.
“Placeholder” women tend to …
- Have very few, if any, actual boundaries (lets people treat her any old way because she’s afraid of ‘letting people go’ or ‘losing people’)
- Constantly stress about how HE feels about HER (tends to focus on how other people are perceiving her, rather than how SHE perceives PEOPLE.
- Get super-tense and worried about ‘what happens next’ or ‘where this is going’ in relationships; can’t just relax, let him set the pace, and see what happens next
- Be too afraid to say ‘no’ or ask for what she actually wants in a relationship (because she’s afraid that if she says no, he’ll move on and find somebody else less demanding)
- Once she’s decided she likes a guy, it becomes more important that he likes her rather than that she’s happy with him (‘people-pleasing’)
- Ditch her pre-existing plans when ‘HE’ calls (shows little respect for her own life outside of a man)
- If he calls at the last minute, will often find herself saying things like, ‘Oh, hey Brad! …. Oh, what am I doing? Uhhhh … well, I was going to go to the movies with my girlfriends …’ (Note the instant use of the past tense at the drop of a hat; clearly she’s ultra-willing to ditch everyone if HE wants her around.
- Placeholders tend to accidentally destroy a man’s sense of masculine pride in a relationship because they won’t let him ‘be a man’ and take control.
But MOST of all …
The PRIME defining characteristic of a ‘placeholder’ is that they’re more interested in getting the SIGNS of love from a man than they are in getting ACTUAL LOVE from him.
Placeholders want to hear “I love you”, even if they practically have to DRAG it out of his mouth.
| Placeholders want constant reinforcement of his feelings – even if getting that reinforcement comes at the price of his actual attraction. |
Placeholders want constant reinforcement of his feelings – wine and candy every month, deep emotional conversations every day, fifty romantic text messages while he’s at work – even if getting that reinforcement comes at the price of his actual attraction.
Placeholders don’t understand that men need to show their love THEIR OWN WAY and in THEIR OWN TIME.
Let’s put it this way: would you rather have a PHOTOGRAPH of a delicious meal?
Or would you rather FORGET the photo and actually sit down to a delicious, nutritious, SUSTAINING meal of actual food that you can see, smell, feel, taste, and touch?
Asking a man for reassurance gets you the photo.
Getting his unprompted reassurance gets you the MEAL. Which one would you rather have?
IMPORTANT NOTE: Just because you’ve got a kicking social life, a degree, a great job, financial independence, and good looks doesn’t mean you’re not a Placeholder.
In fact (weird but true), Placeholder women are often very popular with guys … AT FIRST.
It’s often relatively easy for these women to get dates, get male attention, have a lot of sex, and achieve a limited kind of popularity with dudes.
BUT, the DEPTH of this male attention is more like a puddle than an ocean: shallow, unsatisfying, and tends to dry up and evaporate the moment stronger sunshine comes out.
And here’s why:
It’s because Placeholder women live their lives tormented (and fueled) by cripplingly low self-esteem…
… which manifests itself in having almost ZERO boundaries (you know, those things you put in place to protect yourself and make sure people – including, MEN – treat you with respect.)
Placeholders are willing to settle for scraps from a man because they don’t know what they want from a relationship – and even more important, they don’t know what they DON’T want.
So, they say yes instead of no. They chase instead of retreat. They’re uncomfortable waiting for a man to come their way, so they do all the work themselves …
… and then wonder why every guy they like disappears after a date or three.
Placeholders can’t RELAX and let a man chase THEM, because they worry that if they don’t say ‘yes’ to whatever he wants, he’ll lose interest and move on.
This is a BIG, HUGE MISTAKE.
Guess what happens when you don’t know how to sit back and let a man come to YOU?
You become a ‘sure thing’ to men rather than a CHALLENGE.
If he feels like he can get you any old time he wants you, the attraction disappears because now there’s no challenge.
Placeholders don’t get what they want from men because they don’t KNOW what they want, so they settle for scraps.
And high-quality men of worth sense this type of woman can be ‘had’ with zero effort, so there is no fun, no excitement, no challenge, and therefore no ATTRACTION.
On the other hand, here are the defining characteristics of a ‘dreamgirl’:
“Dreamgirls” tend to …
- Know what she wants and (even more important) what she doesn’t want from a guy. If he screws up, she might give him a second chance. What she WON’T do is give him a third chance. She acts like her attention is valuable, and this keeps him on his toes. (Challenge!!)
- Have big juicy plans for her life (that aren’t just about partying, dating, and men.) Whether it’s building a career, having a family, going traveling, reading 100 books a year, whatever it is, she’s got Stuff to Do and she’s EXCITED about it. This means her time is valuable, so she won’t accept sub-par behavior from a man because she’s got crispier fish to fry.
- Financially, she’s either solvent or taking active steps to BECOME solvent – not just standing around with her hand out.
- Physically, Dreamgirls stand, move, and walk like Viking queens who moonlight as prima ballerinas: shoulders back, spine straight, eyes up. Dreamgirls take up space in a room and they glory in it.
- Visually, she doesn’t ‘beg’ for male attention with boobs, belly and butt all on display at the same time. Think Julia Roberts in ‘Pretty Woman’, after she’s had the high-class makeover.
- Conversationally, you will never hear a Dreamgirl start a conversation with, ‘So, what do you do for work?’ She has questions to ask and things to say – and if a man is boring her, mansplaining, or monologuing, she’ll politely end the conversation and move on.
- Tends to have ‘shit tests’ that she uses on guys she’s just now meeting, in order to unapologetically QUALIFY whether a man is WORTH her time. (In case you don’t know, shit tests are provocative things women say teasingly to men to test their mettle in the moment – for example, ‘Yeah right, I bet you use that line on all the girls’, or ‘Seriously? THAT’S the best you’ve got?’, or, the gold-standard of all college-age girls, ‘Buy me a drink!’)
- If a man is out of line, she’ll let him know (‘my time is valuable, next time you’re going to be late I’d appreciate a text so I can make other plans’) … but she won’t be rude or freak out like a child. And if he does the same thing again, she’ll leave him.
The defining characteristic of a Dreamgirl is this: she knows what she wants from a man, and (this is the key!) she actually ACTS ON IT.
This means that she’ll sometimes say ‘no’ to a man because he doesn’t meet the standards she’s set.
This is where her POWER shines through loud and clear: her time is precious, unworthy men are laughable to her, and she’s not afraid to move on if a guy doesn’t toe the line.
In other words …
She has personal power, and she isn’t afraid to USE it.
“Yeah, yeah, Mike … that’s all well and good, but what does that actually
MEEEEEAN?? What does ‘having and wielding personal power’ actually LOOK like?!”
Well, that’s a great question
And here’s the really great ANSWER:
It looks like building a life you’re engaged in.
It looks like treating your own time and attention as if they are VALUABLE.
It looks like saying ‘no’ if a guy’s suggesting something that’s not a good fit for you.
And – here’s the kicker – MOST of all, it looks like taking a GIANT step back, and giving HIM the chance to chase YOU.
| Dreamgirls let the guy do the vast majority of the pursuing |
I’ll say that again cuz it’s super-duper important:
If you wanna be seen as a Dreamgirl by quality, worthy men, YOU CANNOT DO THE PURSUING.
I know, I know, sexist as hell, right? But that’s just how guys are wired. So if you wanna be a Dreamgirl, that means you’ve gotta give up your need to control the speed of events.
It means you need to act like the PRIZE, not one of the contestants.
In plain English, it means you cannot overpursue.
A guy cannot WANT you if he already HAS you.
The DESIRE is formed by the CHALLENGE.
The CHALLENGE is what forms the ATTRACTION.
So if you’re OVERPURSUING him, you’re KILLING the CHALLENGE … and thereby the ATTRACTION!!
This is not about being a robot
Look, all this is not to say you can’t ever ask a guy out, be spontaneous, or ever ‘be yourself’ with a guy.
But there is a RIGHT WAY TO DO THINGS.
And in the beginning of getting to know a dude, you need to act like a woman of POWER, which means you need to be a CHALLENGE, which means you need to give the impression of a woman who doesn’t over pursue and who is perfectly comfortable letting the guy take the reins most of the time.
So how do you know if you’re overpursuing?
Here’s what “pursuing a guy too much” looks like in the real world
- If you’ve texted him and haven’t heard back for a couple hours or a day or so, you’ll text again (often something like ‘are you okay?’ or ‘are you mad at me?’)
- Reserving your Friday and/or Saturday nights (the highest-value social days of the week) for dates with him as a matter of course – often before he’s even asked
- Sending 15 text messages for every 3 he sends you
- Initiating a conversation about the future or ‘where this is going’ within the first hours or days after meeting
- If you live in separate cities, you’ll travel to meet more than he travels to meet you
- Dropping all your friends and pastimes and focusing on him
- Never ever saying ‘sorry I can’t, I’ve got plans’ when he asks you to do something.
- If you’re the one to initiate stuff anything even CLOSE to half (or more) of the time, YOU. ARE. OVERPURSUING. The ratio should ideally be something like 4:1 – which means for every FOUR invites he gives you, you give him ONE.
- Telling him the sex was amazing before he’s even asked, ‘So, how was it for you?’ (C’mon. Give the guy a chance to feel all nervous and stuff.
- Texting him ‘goodnight’ every single night like clockwork (and getting anxious and stressed when he gets bored of the routine and stops texting you back. See point #1.)
- Buying him a birthday present before you’re exclusive.
- Having sex with a man BEFORE he’s had the chance to prove that he is WORTHY of your time and energy. (Obviously, if you just want a one night stand or a FWB situation, this doesn’t apply. But if a Dreamgirl wants a relationship with a man, she’ll wait, and watch, and see how he ACTS towards her over time, before she’ll let him inside her body.)
Again: I’m not saying you can NEVER do any of these things.
After all, women are the nurturers for a REASON – that’s how WOMEN are wired. And it’s fun and feels good to nurture people we care about.
But if you want a guy to actually STRIVE to be with you like you’re Olympic gold (and you’d better), then for the love of all that’s holy, save all that fun, gooshy, relationshippy stuff for AFTER you’re exclusive with the man.
This isn’t ‘playing games’. This is being CLASSY.
I don’t want you to think of this as manipulative or ‘playing games’ with a guy.
I’m saying there’s a BALANCE to nurturing and taking care of a guy in the early days. Too much too soon and he WILL run out the door.
Remember: give a little, then back the hell off and see how he ACTS.
Then, once he PROVES to you through his ACTIONS (not just his words; any idiot can talk a good game, and players in particular are REEEEALLY good at verbally manipulating women) that he’s worthy of you, THEN (and only then) do you give a leeeetle bit more.
Rinse, and repeat.
The Best Example Of How NOT To Act With A Man
The following is the best example of how NOT to act with a man. It involves a four-word question.
And this question is TOXIC.
Ask a guy this question (before you’re officially exclusive, that is) and you’ve just stepped both feet on the greased chute to Placeholderdom.
If you ever want to show a guy that you’ve got NO power, that there is ZERO challenge with you, that YOU are the underdog here, that you DON’T understand male psychology and that you will be a BORING and CLINGY GIRLFRIEND whom a quality man should AVOID, then obviously feel free to ask away.
But otherwise, never ever ever EVER ask a guy this 4 word question … because it’ll make him pull right away from you (when you want nothing more in the world than for him to pull you closer, hold you tighter, nuzzle his jaw into your neck in JUUUST the right place, and never let you go.)
So, what is the damn 4 word question??
The question is…
“Will you call me?”
“Do you like me?”
“Do you love me?”
Okay, okay, I know, that’s three questions.
But from a male psychology point of view, they’re all actually the SAME question, because they all GIVE AWAY your power, prove that you’re NOT a challenge, and prove that you’re therefore NOT A KEEPER and are in fact just a PLACEHOLDER.
Can you see how, in just four little words, you can literally alter the ENTIRE balance of power with a guy?
I know it’s hard. I know it sucks. I know it’s sexist and lame and all of that. But here’s the cold hard truth:
The kind of man YOU want to be with is seeking a woman of QUALITY.
High-quality women who CHALLENGE us are what brings out the best in us guys. We want to rise to your occasion. We want to feel like you’re a prized commodity and that WE are the ones who won you.
| We want to feel like YOU are the prize of a lifetime, and we cannot feel that way if you just FALL into our hands like an overripe apple. |
That’s why I keep making such a big deal of the fact that being a Dreamgirl has NOTHING to do with game-playing – because the truth is, we desperately yearn, struggle for, and SEEK OUT women who force us to up our game this way.
Pursuing a high-quality woman makes us come alive inside. It makes us electric. It makes us HAPPY. We want to know that you have standards and boundaries. We like knowing that if we act like a dick, you’ll move on!
Battling to earn you, to win you, to PROVE to you that we deserve you, is what we live for.
… Whew! Okay, time for a recap:
The Big, Juicy Takeaways
- Placeholders get scraps, because they ACCEPT scraps.
- Dreamgirls get the lion’s share because they don’t allow themselves to accept less. Men sense this ‘iron hand inside the velvet glove’ quality and are INSTANTLY engaged by it.
- Placeholders don’t know what they want, so they’ll accept anything (and wonder why it doesn’t last.)
- Dreamgirls know exactly what they want (and don’t want) and INSIST on getting it. If a guy doesn’t show up for her, she’ll say so. If he does it again, she’ll ditch him!
- Placeholders feel bad about enforcing boundaries because they ‘don’t want to play games’ and are afraid he’ll find someone else if they say ‘no’.
- Dreamgirls don’t give a shit about whether their own boundaries turn off some guy, because they’re out to get a QUALITY man, not just ‘any’ man. (They also know that a worthy man will be enticed by a challenge, not scared off.
- Placeholders confuse the PHOTO of a meal with the meal itself.
- Dreamgirls will only accept the real meal.
- Placeholders will say ‘yes’ to a guy they like, even when it’s inconvenient. This means guys see them as a ‘sure shot’, so men don’t BOTHER putting in the time and effort to win them over. Then they wonder why they can’t get past a fifth date with anyone. (Answer: there’s no CHALLENGE and therefore men get BORED.)
- Dreamgirls are perfectly comfortable saying ‘sorry, I’ve got plans already’. This makes men sit up and take notice and keeps them ALERT and ENGAGED. Next thing you know, he’s calling on Tuesday for a Saturday night date.
- Placeholders can’t hold a man’s interest. Pretty soon he’s flirting with her younger sister, her best friend, and the cute bartender with the dimples.
- Dreamgirls keep a man challenged, which stops his gaze from straying.
Okay, so now what?
Let’s get back to Sarah for a moment here …
In the (true) story I started this section with, we saw Sarah taking the plunge, giving in to her crippling insecurity, trading away her POWER, and asking that toxic four-word ‘Placeholder’ question.
Unfortunately for Sarah, things were permanently ruined between her and John.
Heartbreaking right??
Here was this amazing guy, a guy who was genuinely into her, a situation where the sparks were flying like the 4th of July …
… and in the space of three heartbeats, she gave up ALL her power and, in his eyes, became just like every other girl he’d dated, slept with, grown bored with, and discarded.
Now, here’s the kicker:
Can you see that the four-word Toxic Question itself is just the SYMPTOM of the real problem?
I’ve specifically included it as an example of ‘Placeholder’ mindset because it’s so incredibly common. But the truth is, it’s the underlying MINDSET that’s the real villain here.
Sarah’s mistake wasn’t just asking John that question (although it sure didn’t help.)
By asking him, she definitely brought matters to a head and forced his hand, sure. However, I guarantee you that – whether it took a few more dates or a few more months – John would still have sensed that he was dealing with a Placeholder, rather than a Dreamgirl …
… and he would have left her anyway.
I don’t want you to suffer the way Sarah did.
And the good news is, you don’t have to. In fact, here’s what we’re gonna do now:
Obviously, refrain from asking guys those damn questions – that’s easy.
But MUCH MUCH MUCH more importantly, I need you to also absorb the underlying mindset, belief set, and habits of a Dreamgirl.
I want you to get the pick of the litter, not just the runts. And that means you’re not just going to FEEL your power …
… you’re gonna WIELD it!
So now, there are just THREE things I want you to do
First: I want you to take a deep breath right now and COMMIT to not just being, but ACTING, like the Dreamgirl-in-training you are.
Here’s what I want you to do:
- Take a deep breath right now
- Raise your right hand, and put your left hand on your heart
- Repeat after me: “I am a Dreamgirl. And from this moment on I am going to ACT like a Dreamgirl. I am going to learn and practice being a CHALLENGE for quality men, and I am going to ENJOY seeing how my life changes for the better. From now on I am going to give every single man I feel a spark with the SPACE and the TIME he needs as a man to FEEL the attraction for me and ACT on it – without any pushing, asking, or overpursuing from me.’
Second: grab a pen and some paper (or use your phone to take notes, whatever works.)
Then, skim back through this module and choose THREE things that Dreamgirls do that caught your eye.
For instance, you might write down,
- Dreamgirls confidently stand like Vikings and move like ballerinas (no matter their body-type!): shoulders back and down, chin up, eyes up.
- Dreamgirls don’t use their clothes to visually ‘beg’ for male attention
- Dreamgirls have boundaries and enforce them – they know what they want, but more importantly what they DON’T want in a man (and they ACT on it!)
Third: in that same notebook (or phone app), write out a minimum of five ways (total) that you can implement these tips in YOUR life.
For instance, you might write down something like:
- I could start taking that Pilates class at the studio downtown once a week, to teach me how to stand straight and walk tall. Beautiful posture is something I’m excited about owning.
- I can go to my wardrobe right now and put together three outfits that showcase my assets in a way that makes me feel both classy AND sexy.
- I can spend ten minutes this evening writing down different types of behavior I will and will not accept from a man I’m dating (eg, ‘I want a man who PRIORITIZES me in his life. From now on, I will not accept any last-minute requests for dates or booty calls. If he can’t be bothered to prioritize his time with me, then I don’t want him in my life.’)
These are all ways in which you can work to be the best version of you possible! Because when you are your best self, you will also be the most attractive to men, and the most ready to rock a killer relationship.
There are many other ways that you can work on being the best you, which brings us right to Module three of the Make Him Worship You system.
