Greg rolled off Dana, stared at the ceiling, and sighed deeply.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “This has never happened to me before.”
Dana, brows furrowed, pulled the sheet up over her breasts and rolled onto her side, facing Greg. She tentatively extended one hand and rubbed his chest.
“Are you okay, babe?” she asked, worry dripping from her voice. “What’s … what’s wrong?”
Greg sighed – again – and closed his eyes. “Nothing. I just … nothing. Never happened before. To me, I mean. I have no idea.”
Dana sat upright. “Well this has definitely never happened to ME before, either,” she said anxiously. “So it MUST be something I’m doing wrong, if this is the first time this has ever happened before. So … what was it? What should I do differently next time? If you just tell me, then I can do it better next time.”
“No! Nonononono,” said Greg. “I don’t know what to tell you. Let’s just … maybe let’s just not talk about it anymore, yeah?”
Cue awkward silence.
“Was it the whiskey?” she said. “I’ve heard whiskey-dick is a thing. But then you only had one shot, so …”
Greg inhaled loudly through his nose but said nothing.
A few beats of silence.
“So – but what was I doing wrong, though?” she asked. “Is it my boobs? It’s my boobs, isn’t it? They look so weird when I’m lying on my back, they go all flat, I know you were looking at them when it –“
“No!” he said. “You’re beautiful, you’re sexy, it’s definitely. Not. You. …. Look, don’t take this the wrong way, but I really don’t think talking about it anymore is going to help. It’s not you. I promise. I guess … this just … HAPPENS sometimes.”
Dana was quiet for a few minutes, twisting a hank of hair around her shoulders.
“Well …” she dragged out, “… if it’s not me … then it MUST be something to do with you.”
Greg’s fingers twisted in the bedsheets, but he said nothing.
“So …” she continued, “… what’s … babe, what’s WRONG with you?”
OH MY GOOD LORD AND SWEET BABY JESUS. You may have realized this from the above snippet, but just in case:
I can pretty much guarantee you, if those two had just started dating, they will NEVER even ATTEMPT to have sex with each other again.
Look, dating can be hard (except when it’s not … har, har, har), and that’s where things can get suuuuuper-sticky between the sheets. (Although perhaps not in the way you were hoping for, waaaahhh har har har!! Ba dum bum tshhhhh. … Ok, ok, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll stop with the terrible jokes now.)
Seriously though, when a guy can’t perform in bed, the truth is, it freaking sucks for the BOTH of you.
Plus, it tends to create a self-fulfilling prophecy: once it happens for the first time to a dude (especially if it’s the first time you’re hopping between the sheets together), chances are he’ll get all wound up inside, freaking out that it’ll happen again next time.
And, since an anxious, frazzled dude with major stage-fright will almost definitely have a hard time getting and/or staying hard, that’s where once can turn into twice … and twice can turn into a pattern.
Before we get into what you can do about it (and what you definitely shouldn’t), first let’s examine WHY it happens in the first place.
First thing: An Attitude Adjustment.
Us guys have a bit of a rep as major sex addicts. Anytime, anywhere, in the cold mud, on a beach amid those gross little transparent hopping flea-things, in the middle of a pedestrian walkway, we’re meant to be up for it – at the drop of a pin … or the touch of a passing breeze.
But I’m here to say it ain’t so.
As we’ve been discussing throughout this entire course so far, men aren’t the tough, stoic, sex-mad barbarians – devoid of emotion and sensitivity – that we’re usually made out to be.
We’re actually feeling, emotional, sensitive creatures all wound up with our own issues (no matter how well we hide them), AND – and it’s a pretty damn big and – no matter what Hollywood wants you to believe, our dicks actually DON’T have a mind of their own.
Truly. They don’t. They are completely intertwingled with our emotional state, how anxious we are, the mood we’re in, our thoughts and feelings and hearts and minds and brains and how tired, worried, hungry, in debt, overworked, and stressed out we are.
Kind of like … well, kind of like YOU, in fact ; )
There is, however, one MAJOR difference (and try not to punch me when I say this):
Y’all can fake it. The whole thing: desire, arousal, orgasm, the whole shebang.
We, on the other hand, can’t.
Not one single SCRAP can we fake.
And that means, when the sexual wheels start rolling and clothes start coming off … we have to show aaaaalllll the way up. Completely. One hundred percent.
Every. Single. Time.
So the first thing I ask of you is this:
Please, ladies, read on with as much compassion as you can muster.
Cuz it ain’t always easy being that transparent. Especially (as you’re about to find out) if we really – REEEEALLLY – think you’re a stone-cold fox, and in the back of our minds, we’re hoping this whole amazing getting-in-your-pants thing could maybe (please) possibly (pleeeease) perhaps (please please PLEASE) happen … you know … again.
So: compassion. Curiosity. Pretty please.
And now: here are the 8 likeliest why he can’t get – or stay – hard.
1. He’s Into You. Like, Really, REALLY Into You
Yeah! See? See??!! It’s YOU! It’s all YOUR fault! He’s just NOT THAT INTO YOU!!!
…. Oh wait, that’s not right:
Actually, it’s that he’s so, SO into you that it’s messing with his head … so now he can’t get out of his head, and into your pants.
Look, I know we’re all insecure little bunnies, and society has handed women a pretty raw deal when it comes to things like body image and confidence. So, I get it: it is SUPER easy to worry that (as many female clients tell me they do) it’s all somehow your fault, that your cellulite/whatever is turning him off.
But I promise – like, I promise – that, if a guy is in bed with you, he thinks you’re hot. He’s into you. It really is that simple.
Look, it is EXTREMELY rare (as in, pretty much unheard-of) for any guy to hop between the sheets with someone he doesn’t find sexy – so truly, I really wouldn’t worry that he’s not enough into you.
It’s actually way, WAY more likely to be that he’s actually TOO into you:
That you seem like a freaking dream-girl to him, he can’t believe he gets to have his actual HANDS on you, and he’s so crazy head over heels about you that he wants to give you the best sexual experience you’ve ever had … and so now he’s fucking terrified that he’ll disappoint you and not live up to what he worries your expectations will be.
In fact, here’s what’s surging through his scared little brain:
Every single thing that could possibly go wrong.
Cue, a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The more a guy WANTS to be your absolute best lover, the more he is ‘in his head’ thinking about it; and the more in his head he is, the more he can’t get OUT of his head and INTO your pants.
In other words: he likes you. He really, really likes you.
He likes you so much that he is scared freaking shitless of letting you down and not being good enough to please you.
What can you do?
Your job right now is to help him relaaaaaaaax. So, be patient with him – like really, really patient. (Do not, though, TELL him that you’re ‘being patient’ with him.)
Basically, you want to take a big step back right now, and take everything slower than molasses in January.
Mentally take sex off the menu (for this moment right now) and go back to kissing, giggling, touching, stroking, and whispering together.
Use the magical power of your warm delicious touch to show him just how much you like him and want to be with him.
Spend enough time just being together in the moment, touching and hugging and cuddling each other, and the spell will slowly lift – and he will eventually venture back out of his head and into the moment.
2. Condoms Suck
Okay, for real: as a guy, if you’re wearing a condom with a girl – ESPECIALLY if it’s your first time together – it is almost impossible to NOT lose your erection.
What can you do?
He just has to acclimatize to the reduced feeling. (Sucks, huh?) He can help, in the medium-term, by not jerking off (which will ‘re-sensitize’ his penis); and you guys should use a TON of lube.
Also, the TYPE of condom makes a huuuuuuuge difference. Lambskin condoms (literally, they’re made of sheep intestines. Yup: sheep guts, on his junk. Wowwww.) are among the most natural, ‘naked-feeling’ condoms on the planet … however, they don’t protect against STIs. Yikes.
The short story is that you should ONLY use lambskin condoms with a partner you’re monogamous with and that you trust – because they’re decidedly NOT foolproof.
Other brands known for feeling aaaalmost like there’s nothing there include Kimono Micro-thins (they’re 20% thinner than the average ‘thin’ condom model); LifeStyles Ultra-Sensitive; and Durex Condom Invisible. Trojan Magnums also get really good reviews from some men.
Other (non-condom-based) remedies include finding a form of contraception that works for the both of you; and then there are always those Little Blue Pills (Viagra is the most well-known, but Cialis is another good one.)
3. He’s 40 or Older
Once a guy hits forty, age-related erectile dysfunction (ED) starts to become … well, kind of a thing. Anecdotally I can tell you, as a 43 year old man, a huuuuuge array of men I know around my age casually take some kind of boner-pill (sorry, gross name – heh) at least some of the time.
Essentially, as age increases, more and more of us start to seriously benefit from that Little Blue Pill – or whatever variation is easiest and cheapest to get (and comes with the least-horrifying side effects for us personally) – if we want to stay rock-hard.
It’s kind of a double-edged sword: young guys have energy to BURN and they can stay hard for nineteen hours straight … only, we don’t know what we’re doing yet.
Older guys are way more likely to be confident, mature, and curious enough to figure out your amazing female body and able to give you exaaaaactly what it is that you like … only now our bodies are letting us down.
What can you do?
The easiest solution? MEDICINE!! Have a conversation about Viagra (or Cialis – plenty of guys report fewer side-effects with these ones). Let him know that you love that the pill is an option, and that he should go for it.
Then get him a glass of water, let him take the damn pill, and ENJOYYYYY.
Simple as that.
4. Whiskey-dick is, Indeed, a Thing
Without getting into all the boring sciencey stuff of WHY alcohol causes a serious case of marshmallow-through-the-keyhole syndrome, this one is a SUUUUPER common issue.
Basically, alcohol is a depressant; meaning, it depresses – or sedates – the brain. And when the brain is sedated like that, it sedates the penis too. So now, even though emotionally and mentally we want NOTHING THE FUCK MORE than to rip all your clothes off and make savagely sweet love to you …
… physically, we’re all soft and floppy and sleepy down there. And after a couple of drinks, ain’t a damn thing any man can do about it, either. Them’s the breaks.
What can you do?
If and when this happens to the guy you’re with – please, for the love of puppies kittens and everything good in life, do not make fun of him.
I mean it. Don’t playfully tease him, don’t ‘joke’ with him, don’t try to ‘lighten the mood’ by winding him up or laughing about it. I absolutely swear to you that if you do, one or both of you will regret it. You can trust me on this one.
Instead: if you’re not one to implement the ‘alcohol means we just cuddle tonight!’ game (and trust me, it is a game – there’s something soooo hot about knowing sex is ‘Not Allowed’ for the night, which, um, can have something of a carry-on factor for the morning …) then, when the almost-inevitable happens, I strongly suggest just saying something casual and light, such as ‘you wanna take a little break for now, babe?’
No big deal, no nervous laughter, no worried face-crinkle … no harm no foul. Then, just scamper your beautiful butt on down to the kitchen and grab him a glass of water; and now you get to cuddle up like a couple of tired puppies and fall asleep together all snuggly. And then maybe have awesome hungover sex together he next morning.
5. He’s Watching Too Much Porn
Ahhh, the problems of widespread chronic technology. (A friend of mine told a joke the other day about this. She said, ‘Mike, did you know there are now five elements instead of four? Earth, water, fire, air, and technology.’ Terrifying.)
Point being, porn is EVERYWHERE. Much of it is free. And in the interest of transparency, I should let you know that if a guy denies using porn? He’s lying.
It’s my personal AND my professional opinion that porn is a normal, and EXTREMELY common, component of a normal, healthy, happy sex life. However, the key here is the word component – as in, when porn use starts to interfere with real-life sexy time, steps need to be taken.
Keeping it super simple, here’s the deal:
There are many studies examining the links between an overabundance of porn and how it can actually desensitize a guy’s sexual response to a, well, real-life partner.
Honestly, there are MANY, MANY people who are perfectly capable of watching and liking porn, and enjoying healthy and awesome sex lives.
However, if you should find yourself in a situation where your guy has recently used a whole lot of porn for his sexy good times (like, for most or all of his sexual pleasure, over a period of time, for whatever reason) then it’s probably going to take y’all some time to readjust to warm, living, here-and-now-in-the-real-world sexual experiences with you.
What can you do?
Well, first of all you’ve gotta have a conversation about getting both your needs met sexually, because conversations are awesome (rule of thumb: the less you want to have a specific conversation with someone, the more you need to have that conversation.)
For a lot of guys, this conversation is going to be embarrassing. They will be inclined to deny they watch it at all (lies…) or if they do, it’s only “occasionally… and I don’t really like it anyway.”
Be gentle, compassionate, and kind. Keep the judgment out of your voice. Explain, as matter-of-factly as you can, that science says too much porn can have a massive effect on real world libido — something that has been confirmed time and again by countless therapists, psychologists, and behavioral researchers.
You both have to be patient, and give him the time he needs to readjust to real-life sex with a real-life woman.
In the meantime, being that sex is by NO MEANS limited to plain ol’ penis-in-vagina situations … personally, I recommend you while away the time having fun doing other things sexy-wise, involving hands, mouths, tongues, lips, sex toys, handcuffs, whatever sounds fun 😀
This isn’t going to be a BAM!!! -overnight kinda fix, because there’s a psychological as well as physical component. (Plus, some guys just really, really like porn.)
But, if he’s committed (or wanting to become committed) to you, he will be willing to work on it bit by bit, and do what’s necessary to wean himself off of the porn-life and into the real-life.
6. He Just Plain Doesn’t Know You Well Enough Yet
You know how you probably don’t feel like jumping into bed with the first guy who says something about how hot your body is?
Well, believe it not, plenty of guys feel similarly. They might loooove sex, but they still just wanna get to know you a bit better before they get all naked and intimate and sweaty and groany with someone.
Some women find this honestly and truly surprising – and hey, I get it. Us guys get painted as sex fiends with dicks impervious to mood or actual circumstance. That shit is pervasive. And wrong.
Shocking as it may sound initially, if a guy doesn’t know you well enough to trust you well enough to take the risk of not being able to perform with you, should such a thing happen …
… (whew – read that one again) …
… that can, and does, have very real physical consequences.
What can you do?
First of all, realize and internalize the fact that not all guys are slavering sex-fiends DTF at the touch of a passing breeze. Don’t expect sex to be on the menu at all times, and don’t expect to be the only one who decides whether sex is going to happen or not.
And secondly … well, this is kind of an annoying answer (sorry), but the second and final component is TIME. You just have to get to know each other a bit better.
He needs to know, over time, that he can let his shields down with you. That he can trust you. That it’s safe to be vulnerable with you. That he can lean on you. That he can be sensitive, or sad, or worried, or anxious, with you – and you’ll snuggle into him and reassure him that it’s all okay.
7. He Masturbated Recently
There’s a chance he wasn’t expecting to have sex with you just now, so he jerked off earlier instead.
Guys have a refractory period you know? It can last anything from 15 minutes (if he’s blessed) to 6 hours (depending on age and other factors). It’s even possible that he masturbated BECAUSE he thought we was going to have sex with you and he wanted to “take the pressure off” (see the movie, “Something About Mary”) or hoped he’d last longer if you did have sex. (oops.)
What can you do?
This one is easy. Recognize it’s just biology and this one has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Men masturbate pretty much all the time, even when we are in relationships, so there’s a solid chance you just mis-timed this particular hook up.
You can playfully ASK him if he masturbated recently, but a lot of guys find admitting they do so at all kind of embarrassing. So, they might say no anyway. I suggest moving on to other less erection-oriented activities like kissing, cuddling, or a combination of Netflix-watching and ice cream consumption!
8. He’s Just Not in the Mood Right NOW
We’re all humans, and we all have a lot of stuff going on in our lives. Job stress, money stress, family stuff, health stuff – everything comes in cycles, and women aren’t the only ones who get tired and blue and just plain not in the mood right now.
It’s worth reiterating here that stress is absolutely HORRIBLE for the libido – and it comes in all shapes and sizes now. Money worries, body angst, work stuff, family problems, health stuff, lack of sleep, too much exercise, not enough exercise … it ALL goes into the same big bucket marked ‘stress’, and ALL of it can have a seriously depressing effect on, well, the rising of his penis.
What can you do?
Treat him like a human being, and be understanding, loving and compassionate (just the way you’d want HIM to be, if you were sad, tired, achy, not feeling great about your body, or whatever.)
Communication is both vital and awesome at this point: cuddle on the couch, take the dog to the park, go for a wander by the river, take two glasses of wine into the bath together … now is the time to unwind together, and give each other the space and the chance to share your thoughts and feelings. Show him that you’ll nurture him when he needs it.
(And if you just plain NEED some sexy time, but he’s not feeling it right now? Well, then go get yourself some. That’s what vibrators are FOR.)
