Alana looked across the kitchen table at Dave. It was a standard 5-foot by 7-foot table, but that night Alana felt like the table was 100 feet long. There he was, making that moist noise when he chewed his steak. Alana ground her teeth and took a deep breath, making a conscious effort not to roll her eyes. “I knew he ate this way when we first fell in love,” she thought. “How could I ever have thought this was cute and adorable?”
Three kids, two bankruptcies, and a marriage that was still struggling to overcome Alana’s infidelity from years past. Alana knew that the marriage still had a chance; that’s why she stayed with Dave. But the light at the end of the tunnel looked dimmer by the day.
“Daddy, can you cut my steak for me, please?” Libby, their four-year-old daughter shyly pointed to her plate. “Sure, sweetie.” Dave picked up the serrated knife, reached over, and slowly, delicately, cut Libby’s small steak into “teeny tiny” triangles. “Because triangle steak tastes best, Daddy.
Alana felt her heart skip a beat. Her mouth went dry. She hesitated for a moment, then said, “I love you. You are such a great husband and father.” Dave looked across the table to Alana, and suddenly the distance between them closed. With tears streaming down his face, he said, “I love you too, Baby.”
That night, they made love for the first time in years. They talked through pain and cried tears of forgiveness and relief. The light at the end of the tunnel grew brighter.
These are the moments that most people let slip by every day. Small moments like this can open huge doors and reignite long-forgotten feelings.
A sincere, in-the-moment compliment has immense power.
In this short scenario, we see Alana experience disgust at Dave, then shame at her own infidelity, followed by pride in her husband, and an overwhelming wave of love. She easily could have allowed the moment to slip. But when she felt that moment of love, she grabbed onto it.
She let the other feelings shrink away and reminded Dave that he was a good husband and father. He needed to hear those words. She needed to hear herself say those words.
But here’s the most important part: Alana needed to take the first step here. Yes, it was scary, and she almost let the moment pass. Most men aren’t going to open the door and create the possibility of rejection. We men aren’t evolutionarily wired that way. We’re wired to protect ourselves and others.
Aside from having 23 pair of chromosomes and opposable thumbs, men and women are organically different.
Ladies, like I talked about before, YOU need to make the first move if you want him to pursue you, worship you, and make you feel safe and loved forever.
Remember, you need to tap into your man’s primary evolutionary drivers: Fighting, Fleeing, Feeding, Fornicating.
Here’s some quick, easy and fun homework.
Make a list of everything you love about him. Or used to love about him.
- Does he love unconditionally?
- Is he a good provider?
- Is he a good lover?
- Is he considerate about certain things?
- Is he a kind, patient father?
Go ahead and make a list. Actually take the time to write it out. Leave room to add to the list, because you’ll think of other things later, the more you look for them.
Now, keep an eye out for moments that remind you of why you first fell in love with him. Grab those moments! (Just like Alana did with Dave in the story.)
“You know, I really appreciate that you’re a good provider. It’s one of the things I love and respect about you and will always love about you.”
Notice the words appreciate and respect, which I talked about earlier. These words are incredibly powerful to the male ego. Try to include “power words like these.”
Here is a ‘fill in the blank template’ if you want some help getting started.
So, for example, that would read…
“I admire how you negotiated with the contractor earlier. That strength is one of the things that made me fall in love with you. It’ll come in handy when we start building our dream home next year.”
“Thank you so much for picking up the kids from school today when I was slammed at work. You’ve always been willing to pick up the slack, and I know I’m lucky to have you. I can’t wait until we retire and the kids go off to college. We’ll have so much time to ourselves.”
If you aren’t used to saying things like this, it may take some practice. Here is a list of some Power Verbs and Power Qualities to get you started.
POWER VERBS
- Admire
- Love
- Respect
- Adore
- Cherish
- Appreciate
POWER QUALITIES
- Provider
- Parent
- Dad
- Giver
- Lover
THINGS FROM THE PAST
- It’s what I’ve always loved the most about you.
- What first attracted me to you was…
WHAT YOU PREDICT FOR THE FUTURE
- Why I’ll always love you.
- What I look forward to the most when I think about our future.
