“We are born into a modern world with a brain
that was developed for a more primeval one”
– Professor Joe Herbert, author of ‘Testosterone: Sex, Power and the Will to Win’
Ruby sighed to herself as she got ready for her lunch date with Jim. She flipped frantically through the blouses hanging in her wardrobe, trying to find something that would make her feel even remotely attractive.
These days she felt like Jim barely even noticed her when they went out together.
She KNEW that as soon as they sat down, he’d be checking out the cute waitress … and the more she thought about it, the tighter her stomach knotted and the harder her teeth ground together. Why couldn’t he pay that much attention to HER? His actual girlfriend?
Ruby grabbed a low-cut top and dragged it over her head, hoping it would be enough to keep Jim’s wandering eyes on her for a change.
At the restaurant, she tightly zoned in on Jim’s every move. When would it happen?? Sure enough, as the waitress bent over to hand him the menu, his eyes ZOOMED in on the creamy cleavage falling out of her v-necked shirt … and Ruby SNAPPED.
She fought with her emotions, feeling the angry tears welling out of her eyes. As soon as the waitress stepped away from the table, she snatched her handbag off the back of the chair stood up, feeling her heart hammering in her chest. As she looked at him, all she could feel was disgust and stomach-clenching agony. He clearly didn’t care about her at all.
“How could you stare at her boobs like that, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!” she hissed at him furiously. “Do you want to SLEEP with her? Well go right ahead, I don’t want anything to do with you anymore, you disgusting pervert!”
Ruby whirled around and ran out of the restaurant.
This could ALL have gone SO DIFFERENTLY, if only Ruby knew the TRUTH about the male LUST hormone testosterone (and how to turn it to her own sneaky advantage …)
Relax, it’s not about YOU
Have you ever felt…
- Horrified as you saw your man sneaking an admiring glance at another woman strolling past your café table?
- Furious when you caught your boyfriend watching porn when he thought he was all alone? Why would he do that when he has a living breathing woman – YOU – to be with!?
- Afraid that your new man will cheat on you. Especially if you’ve been cheated on before?
Let me reassure you (as I reassured my friend Ruby), the fact that men look at other women has NOTHING to do with you. You’re not lacking anything. He doesn’t want her instead of you and it doesn’t mean he is going to cheat on you the second you leave them alone together.
There’s nothing wrong with you!
The reason men stare at an attractive woman is because it’s in our biological programming thanks to testosterone… and ogling a woman has ZERO influence on whether we actually cheat or not.
Testosterone is powerful, and ALL men are along for the ride…
As a man, I can tell you that our brains and bodies are swimming in testosterone, which affects our physical bodies and our mental urges. This is something we literally can’t help. We’re at the poor MERCY of this powerful hormone.
Sure, sometimes it’s doing innocent stuff like lowering our voices, or making us grow chest hair (and muscles!), but the rest of the time, it’s waging a tireless battle to get us to make babies. It’s the hormone that makes men (and women) want to have sex and keep the human race going.
It’s also the hormone that makes YOU magnetically attracted to us (especially when you’re ovulating, by the way).
It’s the reason we stand strongly, proudly, and confidently. It’s behind the competitive nature and “provider drive” of your man. And … as annoying as it is to admit … testosterone is also the dick’s navigation system.
And that really is the way you should think about it. Men can’t help it when they’re attracted to a woman. Sexual attraction and physical impulse are involuntary thanks to… science.
If you could put yourself in a man’s body for one day—just a day—you would be amazed at how many times your eyes are drawn to women’s breasts. You’d be overwhelmed by how often you have to stand behind a counter to conceal an ill-timed erection. A man can’t control the compulsion to look at a sexy woman.
Here’s why:
Evolutionarily speaking, eyeballs are the receptors that gather information for our body and brain to determine:
“Do I want that?”
“Can it hurt me?”
“Can I have sex with it?”
That’s the job of the eyeballs. They are going to look at stuff.
Now, while testosterone is the brain’s navigation system, it’s not fully in charge. Men are sentient beings. So, yeah, he might glance at other women. He can’t control that. What he can control is whether he ogles, catcalls, and makes an ass of himself. Testosterone is NOT a get out of jail free card for behaving like a jerk. And it absolutely does NOT make cheating OK.
Unless he’s on some drug that has his testosterone levels on complete overdrive, he can definitely control his actions when it comes to those urges and impulses.
So while testosterone is a navigator, the brain and moral center steer the ship. You can get mad, wish, and pray that he doesn’t look at other women’s boobs or think about having sex with them, but it’s more productive to accept the biological reality of it and move on. It’s not about you.
| URGES = can’t control. | ACTIONS = can control. |
How can you use his Testosterone to your advantage?
Use Testosterone Telepathy!
You need to connect directly to his testosterone-drenched mind and use it for your own benefit.
| Remember, testosterone is responsible for a whole lot of who he is. |
Your attraction to him, his leadership, confidence, and willingness to assert himself are all navigated by testosterone. Amplify these strengths and you can redirect that energy back to YOU.
Validate his navigator (the testosterone and masculine qualities) and simultaneously create an imprint with the captain of the ship – his brain.
YOU are the person giving positive reinforcement to that chemistry experiment in his head. Nurture this strategy and he will be soft, sticky, gelatinous, putty in your hands. Do this, and he will worship you.
Here is how you can validate his navigation system and simultaneously imprint YOU as the kick ass feminine force in his life.
Sexual Validation: If/when you see your man notice another woman, have some empathy for his poor brain. Acknowledge it, but don’t get mad. Have fun with it.
“Wow, she is hot. I think my boobs are bigger than hers, though.” “Nice ass, too.”
or…
“I know, there’s some serious eye candy around here, right?”
See, you just gracefully showed him you can roll with it. You displayed a cool confidence – and reminded him that you’re the hottest thing on two feet in this town.
If you really feel like he is pushing your limits – that his wandering gaze is testing your boundaries, say something (calmly) that you honestly FEEL, like “It makes me feel upset when I see you staring at other women. Could you please try to not do that when we’re out together?”
Provider Drive Validation: When he struggles with financial or control issues in the workplace, remind him of how much you appreciate his hard work and effort. Even if you make more money than him, it’s important to validate his efforts to provide for you.
Protector Validation: Men are wired to procreate and protect. Whenever you can, acknowledge the things he does right. Even if he gets things wrong most of the time, talk about the 1% that he did well. Does he take care of the house when stuff breaks? Does he excel at his job? Does he help the kids with homework? Does he massage your feet after you’ve had a long day?
Let him know and you’ll be speaking directly to his testosterone.
Let’s Talk about Cheating
I get asked a lot (and I mean a LOT):
“How can I stop a guy from cheating on me?”
“How can I tell if a guy will cheat on me?”
These aren’t questions with simple answers, so let’s talk about what we’ve learned so far:
First, I mentioned that just because testosterone makes a guy is attracted to other women, or occasionally looks at porn with bimbos that look nothing like you (how DO they walk in those heels anyway?), it doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to cheat.
Why Men Actually Cheat:
- They have crappy impulse control and are selfish: These guys prioritize their own needs above yours and do whatever they want without regard for how it impacts other people. These assholes should come with a warning tag – and in a way, they DO! You’ll see this behavior in many other things he does as well. (I’ll talk more about this in Module X – Lesson Y – How to Tell if He Is Worth it)
- He’s not getting his needs met (and you don’t seem to care): To be fair, this is a reason both men AND women cheat. They feel disconnected from their partner – a partner who doesn’t seem concerned to try and work to fix it. Over time, they might find someone who makes them feel special (feeds his “Provider Drive” etc) and might drift that way. Don’t worry. This entire course is filled to the brim with ideas how to stop that.
- He’s insanely insecure and seeks affirmation from female attention: Look, every guy wants to feel attractive. Scratch that… every HUMAN wants to feel attractive and desired. But remember how I said men attach a ridiculous amount of importance to getting women to want them? It validates us. Some guys have a compulsive need to seek validation of women through sex.This is NOT your fault. And if you sense this is happening, it probably isn’t about YOU at all. It’s about the void he feels and his compulsive need to fix it. He should get therapy, and that’s outside the scope of this program.
- If you date a super competitive guy, he may have super high testosterone, and those guys are more likely to cheat: My childhood friend Ruby confided in me that she felt compulsively attracted to typical ‘manly’ men, and it was ruining her life. She couldn’t help herself – if a man with a strong jawline, chiseled chest and powerfully confident attitude entered the room, she was impulsively and irresistibly drawn to him.
The problem was that every single man she’d ever dated had ended up cheating on her. Ruby was desperate to start a family with a loyal (and still manly) guy, but she felt torn and confused about the kind of men she was attracted to.
Here’s a proverb I just made up: “Bad boys are a snack… not a healthy meal”
They are delicious as a “sometimes food” but you really can’t sustain yourself that way. “Bad Boys” may seem exciting, but it often comes with some side effects
Now there’s no way you’re bringing a blood test kit on a first date, so just watch out for uber-competitive guys (see Tiger woods, Jesse James, or anyone that’s dated a Kardashian…) that have a tendency to want to “win at all costs.” That can mean collecting women like trophies. This desire, combined with the other reasons above are a RED FLAG for a serial cheater.
Summing Up
- Testosterone is how we are wired: It’s the basic chemical that not only makes men attractive to you, but makes them naturally prone to looking at other women.
- Urges aren’t the same as actions: While a guy can’t help glancing at women he finds attractive (I’ve literally watched men do this at a funeral), he CAN control his urges to not stare, make you (or her) uncomfortable and not be a jerk about it. Testosterone is no excuse.
- Use Testosterone Telepathy to your advantage: When you see a guy under the spell of his own chemistry, roll with it, and redirect that energy instead of fighting it. You won’t win if you try and shut his natural instincts down. Also, try and play to his nature (provider drive etc.) and you’ll be well on your way to him associating YOU as the source of what he needs.
- Understand why men cheat: Men cheat for a variety of reasons. Some have nothing to do with you. Be extra aware when you find yourself dating “bad boys.”
As you can see, testosterone has far more impact than “making men stare at boobs.” It literally shapes our life. Understand how this hormone drives us, and you’ll be able to HARNESS THE POWER that makes a man fall in love.
Testosterone Helps Men Find the Love of Their Life
Let’s end on a positive note, shall we?
The male body creates testosterone to drive us to keep hunting and searching for our perfect mate.
When we find that perfect partner and stay committed, – those primal urges to “keep searching” just melt away! When we’re in a committed relationship, our testosterone settles (as nature intended) so that we stay a bonded couple and the male is around to protect his family.
Psychology Today shared that “Men and women who reported higher relationship satisfaction and commitment have lower levels of testosterone.”
Isn’t that fascinating? Evolution built a “long term love factor” into testosterone so things stay balanced. Not every day will be smooth sailing, but if you steer with the waves and don’t fight the current, you’ll have a much more enjoyable journey.
