There is a right way and a wrong way to criticize a guy. One way will make him defensive and shut down, and the other will get you what you want.
I’d like to start with an example of the wrong way to do it. This story comes from one of my female clients.
Ray and Steph have been married for 7 years. Ray works long hours as a foreman on a construction crew. Steph recently left her teaching job so she could start law school. The transition was difficult. Money is tighter than ever, and Ray is working overtime to make ends meet.
One day, Ray got home late from work. It was raining hard out, and, without noticing, he’d accidentally tracked huge black footprints of greasy mud all through the house.
Then, “it” started.
“Why didn’t you take your boots off before you came in the house? That’ll never come out of the carpet,” cried Steph.
Without missing a beat, Ray surveyed the living room. There were mounds of unfolded laundry on the couch. The kitchen table was littered with piles of paper, books, and pens. The sink was filled with yesterday’s dishes, and the trash hadn’t been taken out for days.
“Errrr,” he said, half-laughing, “… are you serious right now?”
The atmosphere in the room instantly froze.
“What’s THAT supposed to mean?” Steph asked suspiciously.
“Well,” he said, looking around the room, “I mean, it’s kind of a mess in here…? I can’t REALLY see that a few bits of mud are gonna make all that much difference.”
“Oh my GOD, you are SO disrespectful!” she yelled. “I don’t come into YOUR office, mucking up all your papers and charts and graphs and whatever it is you actually do in there, but you clearly think NOTHING of what I’VE been doing to try and keep our house clean and tidy!”
Ray gave up. “Okay, Steph,” he said coldly, “whatever you say. I’m wrong, you’re right. Just like always.”
And with that, he left the room, closing the door behind him.
Steph sat down on the arm of the couch and took a deep breath … and immediately burst into tears.
Okay, let’s stop here. It’s easy to see how this can quickly get out of control.
Clearly, Steph is overwhelmed with school and life, and perhaps feeling financially disempowered since she doesn’t contribute to the household income anymore. She may also feel some guilt because going to law school resulted in Ray needing to work more hours to make up the money.
Ray may feel some resentment. “What does she do all day? How long does it take to write a few research papers?” These thoughts and feelings could easily be close to the surface, ready to bubble out at the first opportunity.
The ‘Shields Down’ method will get your guy to change his annoying behavior – and actually listen
What’s the ‘shields down’ method? It’s actually pretty simple, and you’ll be able to use it in all kinds of situations when you want your man to change his bad habits or frustrating behavior.
You see if you jump straight into criticizing (like Steph did); you’re flat out NOT going to get the result you want.
Criticizing or nagging only results in extreme irritation, and more often than not ends up with a horrible argument (which is often WORSE than the original problem was).
Every couple hits that “grrr” moment where the other person is SERIOUSLY getting on our nerves.
You’ll be able to use this simple method next you want him to:
- Help out more around the house
- Respond faster to your messages
- Stop being late all the time
- Quit wearing that hideous tropical shirt in public!
- Any other times you want to change his behavior or stop doing something annoying
The ‘shields down’ method works really well when you want to PERMANENTLY change someone’s behavior, so you can avoid big blow-ups that can hurt your future as a couple.
Here’s the ONE THING you absolutely need to know about men and getting them to change their annoying behavior…
His ‘shield’ is up when he feels like he’s in a FIGHT
And you can’t get him to change ANYTHING, or truly LISTEN, when his shield is up.
Do you want him to AGREE with you? Of course!
Do you want him to CHANGE? Yup!
The secret is to make sure it doesn’t feel like a fight.
If a man feels like a situation is turning into an argument or a fight, he immediately puts up his emotional ‘shield’. He automatically goes into warrior mode, where his focus is on protecting himself and attacking right back. This is the WORST time to actually solve a problem because he’s not focused on hearing what you have to say.
Next time he’s done something really annoying, or you want him to change his bad habits, you have to try this…
The SHIELDS DOWN METHOD
Step 1: Press ‘Pause’
So, he’s done something REALLY annoying. He’s tramped mud all through the freshly vacuumed house, he’s gone to the bar with his friends without inviting you, or he’s forgotten to call you and say he’ll be really late for dinner.
Before you yell, send an upset message, or react with anger – press pause!
Take some time out for a minute. Having a quick breather is KEY to turn this situation to your advantage and make sure that you get the behavior you want IN THE FUTURE.
Just think – you can’t change what’s in the past. He’s done it. There’s already mud all over the carpet, he’s already late, or he’s already said something hurtful. It’s DONE.
The best way forward is to know what you want to happen NOW.
You need to focus on how he needs to fix it or do properly next time, not what he’s done.
It’s IMPOSSIBLE to clearly think about the BEST way to handle an annoying situation when you’re in the middle of all those powerful emotions.
Press Pause by doing this…
- Take 5 deep breaths. Breathe slowly in through your nose, feel your belly filling with air, and slowly puff it out your mouth. 5 times.
- Try to stay calm (remember, you have to stop it becoming a fight or argument if you want his ‘shields down’).
- If your heart is racing or you feel too emotional to calm down, take some “time out”.
“Time out” for adults is a little bit different than time-out for children. With children, the idea is to make the child think about what they did wrong and why it was wrong. The child sits in a quiet area and stews and steams and usually thinks of ways to not get caught in the future.
On the other hand, HERE is how timeout works for grownups …
The moment a conversation gets tense… the moment you feel the waves of anger or hurt flowing through your body, you call “time-out.” It doesn’t matter what the other person said or was in the process of saying. It doesn’t even matter if YOU are the one escalating the situation. You can call time-out. Or your partner can call time-out.
Then, you find your “corner” (bedroom, guest room, garage, bathroom, or wherever your safe spaces are) and reflect. Think about the thoughts and feelings that got you here. Try to put things in context. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes – what might be going on in their life to make them act like this?
After 5 minutes (at least–some people give themselves an hour or more), you come back and have a conversation. You and your partner should be seated calmly at a table or on the couch.
IMPORTANT NOTE: this isn’t easy and WILL take practice – you won’t be able to consistently pause every single time you get upset right out of the gate. But keep at it and keep practicing, as you WILL get better with every single attempt. (Angie and I have been using the time-out method for two years now, and we still slip up occasionally – so be kind to yourselves, and keep trying!)
Feeling calmer? Excellent! Time to move to step 2…
Step 2: Ask for the behavior you want
Before your guy will give you what you want, he’s going to need some context.
Explain to your guy what’s bothering you.
He genuinely might not realize the extent that his behavior is upsetting you. Choose a time when you’re calm, and there’s enough time to have a conversation about it.
Whatever you do, don’t yell or raise your voice. That will put him on the defensive and raise his shields right up
Focus on trying to fix the problem going forward.
This is a technique that works really well when you want kids to change their behavior too. Rather than focusing on the negative (“Jimmy! Stop THROWING things!”), you focus on the positive behavior you want (“Jimmy! Keep the spoon in your hand!”).
Remember this is the ‘shields down’ method and you MUST try to keep it a conversation, not a fight. Try and stay away from phrases like “you always…” and “you never…” because they feel like personal attacks – and besides, does he REALLY always track mud in the house every time? Probably not. Exaggerating won’t help.
- Make it clear how his behavior makes you feel
- Don’t say: “You’re always out partying. Why don’t you grow up!”
- Do say: “When you’re out partying many weekends it makes me feel sad that you’re not around to do fun things in the daytime because you’re hungover. I miss you.”
- Give an example
- Don’t say “I hate that you’re always late!”
- Do say “When you were late for dinner last night, it made me feel like I’m not a priority to you. Please call me if you’re going to be late.”
- Ask for the behavior you want instead
- Don’t say “It drives me crazy that you leave your dirty clothes all over the floor!”
- Do say “When there are clothes all over the floor I find it stressful because it’s hard to get dressed in the morning. Can you please use the hamper?”
- Don’t say “You never reply to my messages!”
- Do say “It makes me feel like I’m not important when you don’t message me back. I know I like messaging more than you, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d message me at least once a day.”
- Don’t repeat yourself. Once you’ve made your point, that’s great! You don’t need to keep talking about it. Saying the same thing over and over is unlikely to have a positive outcome.
When you explain how someone’s actions are affecting you, you are appealing to their basic instinct to make you happier. You aren’t telling him what to do, or being critical, you are providing the opportunity for him to step up and be a great guy.
Okay, so he’s left huge mud footprints all through the house.
Rather than aggressively TELLING him what to do, ask CALMLY for what you’d like to happen.
“Oh no! There’s mud all over the carpet. Hun, could you please vacuum that up this evening? I’m flat out finishing this law paper tonight.”
Simple, right?
He’s much more likely to do what you want if you actually ASK for it. Calmly.
“When I stopped getting annoyed and tried calmly explaining to my boyfriend why it upset me that he took days to reply to my texts, he changed pretty quickly. I don’t think he ever realized how neglected and sad it made me feel before. I felt like he actually listened this time because I didn’t make it into an argument!”
– Justine, Veterinary Nurse
Step 3: Sandwich the Criticism (aka “Praise Praise Praise!”)
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“Babe, <really positive thing here>, but sometimes when you <insert bad thing here>, I feel like <explain feelings> “ (Then close the statement with something else positive or complimentary.)
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Voicing your concern can often sound like criticism. Before saying anything critical, you’ll want to say something positive.
Here’s an example:
“Babe, I know you work really hard every day, but when you interrupt me to tell me about your day, it makes me feel like my opinions don’t matter to you. Can you try to let me finish talking, ‘cause I want to tell you about my day too.”
When he does something you love, or makes the right choice, or does something helpful, praise the heck out of him! I have talked about this in the program already, but it bears repeating.
Your praise doesn’t even need to relate to the behavior you want to change.
Positive feedback is incredibly important for a relationship.
Praise is also ADDICTIVE to the male ego.
Once he’s basked in the glory of your pride and respect for doing something great, he’ll want more of that adoration, and he will return it in kind.
For example, if you’re trying to get him to cook more often, you could say something like:
- “I think you’d be great at cooking curry because you’re so logical. You’ll be fantastic getting the measurements of the spices perfect!”
Or if you want him to take care of the kids so you can have some free time, you could say:
- “You’re such a great dad. I loved listening to the kids laughing when you showed them how to play basketball today, they had so much fun with you and I’m so proud.”
Hearing your praise creates a positive association and feeds his male ego, making him more likely to do the behavior you want more often.
What if he’s drunk? Or what if I’m drunk?
Hmmmmm. Well, who’s drunk? You or him? Actually, it doesn’t matter. When you’re communicating with your partner about something that is bothering one or both of you, it’s important that you both have a clear head. In the history of humankind, no relationship argument has ever ended well when alcohol or drugs are involved.
Alcohol or drugs call for an immediate “time out” for both parties. Come back to the table when everybody is sober (and not hungover by the way).
So here’s how you deal with an argument brewing when your partner has had a little too much of the sauce.
“Babe, I know what you’re saying is really important, and it’s something we absolutely need to talk about. I just think tomorrow is a better time to have this talk. Not right now, because you’re not thinking clearly. Let’s just have “time out” and we’ll talk this out tomorrow.”
If he persists, do your best to ignore him, go sleep in the guest room, or just go somewhere else.
Now, here’s what I want you to do:
Step 1 – Get your partner to agree that this new “Shields Down Method” will be the plan moving forward
Don’t wait until your next disagreement or argument to explain the concept of “time out” to your partner. Go ahead and let him know about the strategy now, so he’s not surprised when you say “Time Out” and leave the room the next time you have an argument. (WTF just happened? Did she say “Time Out” and walk out on me?)
By the way, you may need to have this conversation about the shields down method and the timeout more than once before he is onboard. Your patience in this regard will pay off – promise.
Step 2 – Practice the Sandwich the Criticism technique
You can literally write out the compliments that you want to sandwich around the criticism. Depending on how long you’ve been with your partner, this technique may take some practice. Don’t hesitate to stand in front of a mirror and rehearse what you’re going to say. Try not to worry about sounding rehearsed or artificial, because when you talk to him your feelings will come through.
Step 3 – Give this new strategy some time
Rome wasn’t built in a day. Don’t assume that this will just work perfectly the first time, and don’t get discouraged if this takes a little time to sink in for you both.
Repeat steps 1 and 2 in subsequent arguments to build it as an ongoing practice.
Step 4 – Check in with your partner
Do this during the quiet, non-combative times. How does he feel about the time out strategy? Is the timeframe too short or too long? Does he have thoughts on how to improve for you both? Remind him during these check-ins how proud of him you
