“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
— Mahatma Ghandi
“Oh sure, that’s easy for YOU to say, Ghandi! Your boyriend never got drunk while out with the guys and raw-dogged some rando tramp he met in the backseat of YOUR minivan in the Buffalo Wild Wings parking lot!”
Okay, okay, okay. Let me just say, I have a lot of female friends who’ve been cheated on. And even though I’m a man, I tend to get mad on their behalf. Maybe you could hear that coming through. I have a friend (who’s a girl) who says, “I forgave him for cheating,” but still rants about the incident in question, how much it hurt her, and how angry she continues to be.
Here’s the deal. If you tell a man you FORGIVE him, then you need to let it go. You can’t keep bringing it up every time you get in an argument. It’s not fair.
What Is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a deliberate decision to let go of resentment, vengeance, and anger. It is an opportunity to free yourself from pain — to heal and move forward, rather than getting stuck in the past.
In other words, forgiveness is as beneficial to YOU as it is to your man.
And it goes both ways; one day you may be the one who seeks forgiveness.
This is one reason it’s so important to make sure that when it comes to forgiveness and disagreements, the entire truth comes out. Because often problems—for example, cheating, lying about finances, shutting down emotionally—are symptoms of larger problems. You and your partner both need to be on board when it comes to working through problems.
You need to think long and hard about whether or not you’re going to forgive him and what forgiveness really means to the both of you. Does he feel that your forgiveness is a “pass,” and he’ll screw up and do the same thing a year from now? Or does he truly understand that this can’t happen ever again? Because when you tell a man you forgive him, he will BELIEVE it.
How to Forgive
Step 1 – Uncover and talk through the root problems.
It’s unlikely you’ll be able to accomplish this in one sitting—it’s a process. So you’ll need to make time, free of kids, text messages, and emails, to work on this.
And it is work. I can tell you from personal experience, that, as a man, it’s not easy to peel away all of the defensive layers and tell my truth. Your partner needs to participate in the forgiveness process, and it will be hard for him.
Forgiveness has to be received, so if your man either a) doesn’t think he did anything wrong, or b) holds tremendous shame around his actions, then he won’t be able to truly receive your forgiveness.
What I’m saying here is, he needs to work through his own guilt (or shame or whatever) and forgive himself.
And if he’s not sincere about being sorry, you won’t be able to sincerely forgive him either.
Step 2 – Be willing to accept your role in what went wrong (if it applies).
No relationship happens in a vacuum. Which brings me to the next step.
Step 3 – Put yourself in his shoes
Most people don’t make relationship mistakes on purpose. He may deserve a second chance. I’m writing this with the consideration that you are the one who has been wronged. But one day, you will make a mistake and you will seek his forgiveness. When you decide whether or not to forgive him now, remember that eventually he’ll be in your shoes.
Step 4 – Be compassionate, but make future expectations clear.
Remember, “I’m sorry” also means “and it won’t ever happen again.” So when he says “I’m sorry,” you should say something like, “I forgive you because I believe you’re sincere and I know this won’t happen again.” Lay it out there. Make your expectation clear. This can’t happen again.
Try This Forgiveness Exercise
A quick note about this exercise. If you go through this whole program and only implement one thing, this should be it. It’s worth your time and extremely therapeutic.
Make a list of some mistakes that you haven’t forgiven yet.
- Ask yourself why are you holding onto anger or resentment around this issue?
- Ask yourself if you have ever forgiven someone for something like this in the past.
If the answer to the above is yes, ask yourself what was different in that situation. Why did you forgive that person specifically?
- Remind yourself how it felt to forgive that person.
- Ask yourself if there other disappointments or complications (career, family, finances) that you’re bringing into the mix?
- Ask yourself how will it feel to forgive him?
- Ask yourself what life will look and feel like when you completely let go of the anger and hurt?
OK, OK…I read all this, and I am still on the fence about whether to forgive
Forgiveness is a choice, and only you can decide whether it is ultimately the right for the situation and your relationship. Just remember that you can forgive even when you think the other person doesn’t deserve it. This is as much (or more) about YOU as it is about him. To forgive is to be free!
And with that being said, there are some cases where it is just better to NOT forgive him and instead just dump his sorry ass.
Which conveniently brings us to our next lesson.
