TRANSCRIPTION OF THE VIDEO
Hey, how are you? It’s Michael Fiore and welcome to part six of Make Him Worship You, our final video. This one’s called Talking To A Man And Getting Him To Listen. And in this video I’m going to lay out how to ask a guy to do something and have him actually do it and how to have a tough conversation that he listens to without it being a fight. Two separate things, actually.
So let’s break down two different ways to talk to a guy about something and decide which one is better and more effective at getting what you want. How to ask him to do something or to change something.
Option one is, “Dammit, John, would you get off your damn phone? I thought we talked about this. Talk to me,” versus, “Hey, babe. I know it’s hard because those things are addictive, but can you try to not be on it when we’re hanging out unless it’s really important? I really like your company and want to really spend time with you.”
So which of these two do you think is going to get him to try to use his phone less and increase his affection for you while allowing him to keep his masculine pride? Hint, it’s the second one.
The first one, “Dammit, John, would you get off your damn phone? I thought we talked about this. Talk to me,” is an attack and makes it about you, immediately putting him on the defensive. Basically, in this one, what you’re doing is you’re telling him he’s doing something wrong, you’re shaming him, and you’re taking it personally. You’re almost acting like, “Hey, because we talked about this and now you’re acting in this way, you’re failing me in some way.” Whereas, “Hey, babe. I know it’s hard because those things are addictive, but can you try to not be on it when we’re hanging out unless it’s really important? I really like your company and want to really spend time with you,” shows empathy and respect, allows for partial credits, and compliments him while delivering the quote unquote criticism. It is not aggressive in any way. You are not assuming that what he’s doing is stupid or useless. You are giving him respect the way we talked about in video number five.
Now there’s actually a lot going on here. So let me break it down by steps, including the preamble. We’re going to use a different example, but the idea, the way we construct that kind of quote unquote criticism is important.
The first thing we have to do is to make a request to talk, not a demand. “Hey, babe, when you finish what you’re doing, can you come find me? I’d like to ask you about something.” It shows respect for what he’s doing, even if you think it’s silly. And you never want to say, “I have something I need to talk to you about.” Don’t use need. Ask is less aggressive and more effective. Also, you’ll notice on a lot of these I use the word babe. And you can use really any pet name, you can use his name, et cetera, but anything that has affection too. It’s anything that feels like an affectionate term for him will take the sting out of what you’re asking about.
Number two is to acknowledge that what you are asking him to do will not magically change overnight. “Hey, babe. I know when you get home you just want to relax and you forget to put your pants away.” Notice how this does not attack him or make it about you. You’re showing empathy for him being tired and forgetting. Interpret up, not down. You’re not saying how, “I’ve told you to put your pants away and you refuse to do it.” You’re saying, “I know you forget,” and you’re giving him a reason to forget. You’re showing, “Hey, you know what? It’s totally valid that you forgot that because I know that you’re tired and work really hard. I get it, but I would really appreciate it if you could try harder.”
Yeah, and then you say, “I’d really appreciate it if you could try to put them in the hamper.” Try. The word try. Yoda was full of it. He says, “Do or do not. There is no try. Actually in the real world, there is try.” You do not expect perfection. Try shows that you aren’t expecting perfection. When we are punished for everything but perfection, we often don’t try at all. Imagine, for instance, if you got an electric shock every time you shot at and missed the basketball hoop. Would you ever try to make the shot? Would you ever get good at it? No. You wouldn’t put the reps in because you would be so afraid of messing up.
Number four, partial credit and thank you. “Hey, baby. I just wanted to say thanks about the pants. I know it’s something you have to think about to do. You’ve been way better and I appreciate it.” Find a time that he actually is successful at what you asked for and then compliment him for it. And he’ll feel like, “Hey, that feels good. I think I’ll try to remember more often and I’m not being shamed or called a bad guy for forgetting.” Go out of your way to find things to praise him for and he will go out of his way to do things to make you proud. Positive reinforcement. It can be hard to do this because we don’t tend to notice the absence of something. We don’t tend to notice when something actually gets done. My wife, for instance, for a while there, I felt like I was the only one doing the dishes ever and I had to remind myself one day when I saw that she had done the dishes, to go to her and say, “Hey, I really appreciate that you did that. That is awesome.” Giving her the positive reinforcement.
So say you want him to exercise more. You would say something like, “I don’t know what it is, but it really turns me on when I see you all sweaty after working out.” That’s about giving him a reward for doing what you want instead of punishment for not doing it. Instead of saying it, “Oh my god, you’re getting fat and I’m not attracted to you anymore.”
If you want him to spend less time working late, “How driven and committed to your work you are is one of the things I love about you and I feel like you’d be even more effective at work if you let yourself relax with me.” Again, it’s about a reward for doing what you want. You’re showing respect for him, for his work, and you’re giving him a reward instead of punishment for not doing it. You’re showing concern about him. You’re showing that maybe you think he’s working too hard. Not because he’s not paying attention to you, because you respect him.
Here’s a question of astounding power. Actually, I’ve used this in my own life, my own career, and it has worked for me every single time. What can I do to make an absolute no-brainer for you to want to, whatever it is? It puts him in the power position and gives him the chance to be generous. It could be something like, what can I do to make it an absolute no-brainer for you to want to have dinner with my parents? It can be, what can I do to make it an absolute no-brainer for you to want to go to Disneyland? It can be, go to a certain restaurant, try something sexual, whatever it is. But when you frame a question like that, instead of saying, “Hey, I want this and I really want you to want it … Most of the time, actually, if you ask that kind of question, they’ll just agree to it. That’s what happened to me in my career a couple times, actually. I used that question with people who were mentors of mine. But they’ll simply agree to giving you what you want in that case because you’re asking in a way that shows respect for them. And even if they ask for something in return, it’s usually going to be kind of minor.
Okay. How to talk about problems and get him to listen without making it a fight. Let’s say that we have a couple named Tara and Toby. They’ve been together for two years and Tara just found out that Toby still regularly talks to his ex-girlfriend on Facebook. She has no reason to believe there’s anything going on, but when she found out they were talking, she felt a bunch of insecurity come up. Tara’s instinct is to get mad about this. Make it about her and start a fight, accusing him of cheating on her, et cetera. But instead, she decides to take another approach.
Step one, preparation. Deep breath. Do not start a conversation like this when you are emotional and your lizard brain is going nuts. All that’s going to do is cause a massive fight where you both end up attacking each other. Before you talk to him, you want to get clear on what you are feeling, why you are feeling it, and what you want to get out of the conversation with him. It’s important that you are honest with yourself. Remember, the only one you can control is you and your emotional reactions are about you, not what he did.
Let’s talk about Tara’s what, why, what and what emotions she is feeling. Tara takes some time to think about what she’s feeling. The emotions she comes up with are anger, jealousy, fear, and sadness. She then connects these emotions to their why’s, making sure to make it about her emotions, not what he did. Because what he did most likely had nothing to do with her at all.
Why is Tara feeling these emotions? Now, she could think because he’s a son of a bitch, he’s been cheating on me behind my back, but that is an assumption and it’s about him. You need to focus on your emotions. It’s not about him in any way at this point. You have no idea why he is doing anything and you’re going to interpret up as opposed to down for the moment. You are going to assume there is a good reason no matter what your heart or your best friend is actually saying.
So why is she feeling these emotions? She thinks about it and eventually comes up with, “I feel jealous because I worry that he still loves her. I feel anger because I feel like he lied to me or hid something from me. I also feel anger because I’m afraid I made a huge mistake. I feel fear because I’m scared that he’s going to leave me or cheat on me and I don’t want to be alone or rejected.” She is being vulnerable with herself at this point. You need to actually know why you are feeling something and not just make assumptions.
What does Tara want to get out of her conversation with Toby? She says, “I want him to listen and understand my feelings. I want him to share why they are still in touch, what that relationship means to him, and whether he sees it as a threat to our relationship. I want to talk about whether they are going to continue to be in touch in the future. I want to make sure we have a clear boundary that we both agree to around contact with our exes.” She has this really solid in her mind. She knows what she wants out of this conversation.
Then we get into the actual conversation. Step one is to ask him to talk. Now that she’s done her prepare work, allowed herself to calm down, and gotten clear on her emotions and her goals, she’s ready to talk to Toby. Now she could just burst in on him, but that would set the wrong tone. Instead she goes to him and says, “Hey, honey. Do you have a minute? I wanted to ask you about something.” Note again how ask is far less aggressive than talk is.
Step two is to establish when You are going to a talk. After Tara asks Toby if he has a minute, Toby says he’s right in the middle of a TV show he likes and if it can wait until after. Tara says, “It’s actually pretty important. Would you mind pausing your show? I’d really appreciate it.” Again, she’s asking, not telling. She’s maintaining respect for him instead of assuming he did something awful.
Step three is to set the table. This is where you set the stakes for the conversation, tell him what you want to accomplish in the conversation, and tell him exactly what you want from him during the conversation. “okay, so what I’m going to bring up has stirred up a lot of emotions in me and I’m pretty upset. I don’t want to have a fight and you’re not in trouble, but I was hoping you could listen to how I’m feeling about something. I don’t need you to fix anything or change anything right now. I was just hoping you could listen. My goal right now is just to have you understand what I’m feeling. Is that okay?” Notice words like hoping. You’re making a request. Wait until he says yes or something equivalent before going forward.
Step four is to bring up the topic and be vulnerable. So Toby says yes that he understands what she wants. Tara takes a deep breath and decides to start. “So, this morning I saw Kelly’s name come up on your phone as a Facebook message. I didn’t mean to look, but it was sitting there on the kitchen counter and I saw it.” Toby immediately stiffens up a bit and tries to interject with, “Well, we’re just friends.” But Tara takes another deep breath and says, “It’s okay. I’m not saying you did anything wrong, but I had a whole bunch of emotions come up. Is it okay if I talk to you about them?” Toby then agrees. Tara is vulnerable, like I said before.
Tara continues, “I’m embarrassed to say it, but I’m feeling kind of scared and jealous and even a little bit angry right now. I love you a lot and I feel so much trust in you, but when I saw that this morning, I got scared that you might still be in love with her. I’m not saying you did anything wrong, but does it make sense that I might have those feelings?” No attacking language. No made me feel this or that. Ask him for empathy.
Toby nods his head and says, “Yeah, I can definitely see how that might bring up some feelings. I’d probably feel something like that if I saw you talking to an ex-boyfriend.” Ask him to put himself in your shoes. It doesn’t make sense that I’m having these feelings. Not do you feel attacked? Not is these feelings valid? Not are these feelings true? Does it make sense that I have them?
Ask and be curious. Tara asks, “So I was wondering if you could tell me why you guys are chatting and what that relationship means to you. I never really talk to my exes and I’m curious about why you don’t do that. I mean, I guess I want to know if I should be worried and was hoping you could reassure me.” So she’s assuming the best and being curious instead of judgmental. She is asking a question and not assuming that her way of doing things, not talking to exes, is actually the quote unquote, right way to do it.
Then you listen and don’t interrupt. Tara then listens as Toby says, “Well, Kelly and I broke up a long time ago, but I still consider her a friend and she’s somebody I do care about. She’s going through a tough time with her mom’s cancer right now and I wanted to be there for her. But she’s just a friend and I don’t want to be with her. I want to be with you.” And then here’s the hard part. You choose to believe he is telling you the truth unless given evidence that he is not. You asked him and you’re showing him respect. This is your partner, this is somebody you’re with, somebody you’re dating. Whatever it is, you make the choice to believe what they’re saying. Now you might say, “Hey, Michael, but what if he’s lying to me, et cetera?” He might be. It’s possible. But if you assume that he’s lying, then you’re only going to cause problems. You need to assume the best until given evidence of the worst.
A quick note on privacy. You do not have the right to read his private messages any more than he has the right to read yours. If he volunteers to show you the conversation he was having with his ex in this situation, that’s on him. But you need to treat him as a trustworthy adult. When you show you trust people and can handle the truth, they are much more likely to rise to your opinion. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s scary. But you can’t control him and you shouldn’t try.
Then after you’ve listened to his explanation and accepted it as the truth, unless you are given a total reason that he is not telling the truth, you ask for what you want and establish a clear boundary. Tara says, “Thank you for listening and understanding why I might feel the way I do. I know we never talked about it, but every other relationship I was in, I assumed we were never talking to our exes. Can we just talk for a second about that so it’s super clear to both of us what our agreement is?” Again, what I assumed is different, not better. Let’s be clear. She’s not saying you were doing something wrong. She’s saying, “Hey, we never actually talked about this. I made an assumption. Let’s talk about whether we are allowed to talk to our exes and what it means if we do.”
And then you end the conversation. Tara and Toby then hug and say I love you and congratulate each other on awesome and respectful communication. My wife and I actually do this. We say, “Hey, we’re getting really good at this.” Tara chooses to trust the man she is with unless he gives her a real reason not to. That is incredibly vulnerable. I know it’s incredibly vulnerable. But again, you have to give your partner respect unless they show they are not worthy of it. If you are given proof that he’s cheating, if you other things start coming up, if he starts staying late at the office all the time, et cetera, then you can be suspicious. But so far, he has not shown any reason that you should not trust him. If you ask, “Hey, why are you talking to her without telling me about it?” He could very simply say, “You know what? I thought maybe you might have a negative reaction to it. I know that we’re just friends and I’m just talking to her in a time of need, but I was feeling like maybe it would cause more problems than it would otherwise.” Then Toby leaves the conversation feeling respected and impressed that Tara can so calmly talk about something so potentially emotional.
Now is any of this easy? No. But if you can master this skill of being non-confrontational, establishing from the beginning what you want out of the conversation, being vulnerable instead of aggressive, and showing curiosity instead of assuming motivations, you will be much, much happier.
So there we go. That is the end of the main Make Him Worship You program. Please take your time to go through the worksheets and other things that have come with it. If you have feedback for us, you can send that to us at support@digitalromanceinc.com. This is kind of a living program. I will almost undoubtedly be going through and adding things to it or updating things to it in the future. Thank you so much for allowing me to share this with you and I hope you got something out of it.
