Ray and Sheila have been married for 7 years. Ray works long hours as a foreman on a construction crew. Sheila recently left her teaching job so she could start law school. The transition was difficult. Money was tighter than ever, and Ray had to work overtime to make ends meet.
Ray got home late from laying asphalt. He trudged through the living room and realized he’d forgotten to take off his work boots. His boots were coated in a thick, greasy tar, and he’d left huge footprints on the carpet.
Then, “it” started.
“Why didn’t you take your boots off before you came in the house? Why didn’t you throw your boots in the mudroom? That’ll never come out of the carpet,” cried Sheila.
Without missing a beat, Ray surveyed the living room. There were mounds of unfolded laundry on the couch. The kitchen table was littered with piles of paper, books, and pens. The sink was filled with yesterday’s dishes, and the trash hadn’t been taken out for days. “It’s clear you don’t care about keeping things clean.”
Okay, let’s stop here. It’s easy to see how this can quickly get out of control. Clearly, Sheila is overwhelmed with school and life, and perhaps feeling financially disempowered since she doesn’t contribute to the household income anymore. She may also feel some guilt because going to law school resulted in Ray needing to work more hours to make up the money.
Ray may feel some resentment. “What does she do all day? How long does it take to write a few research papers? ” These thoughts and feelings could easily be close to the surface.
This Calls for the Anger Deflater
What is the Anger Deflater? Well, it’s quite simple, really. The Anger Deflater is an easy technique, which gives you and your partner the time and space to think things over calmly and rationally.
It is essentially…
Time Out.
“Time out” for adults is a little bit different than time-out for children. With children, the idea is to make the child think about what he/she did wrong and why it was wrong. The child sits in a quiet area and stews and steams and usually thinks of ways to not get caught in the future.
Here is how timeout works for grownups.
The moment a conversation gets tense… the moment you feel the conversation escalating or going south… you call “time-out.” It doesn’t matter what the other person said or was in the process of saying. It doesn’t even matter if YOU are the one escalating the situation. You can call time-out. Or your partner can call time-out.
Then, you find your “corner” (bedroom, man cave, guest room, garage, bathroom, or wherever your safe spaces are) and reflect. Think about the thoughts and feelings that got you here. Try to put things in context. Put yourself in your partners shoes (those are lovely high heels, don’t think I could cram my feet in them by the way.)
After 20 minutes (at least–some people give themselves more time), you come back and have a conversation. You and your partner should be seated calmly at a table or on the couch.
Now, take turns letting each other speak. Allow your partner to complete his thoughts before you say your part. When you’re sitting there with your partner, practice the Shields Down strategy. Instead of going on the defensive, visualize your defenses and shields melting away. LISTEN to what your partner is saying, and think about his feelings and beliefs.
The “Shields Down” portion of the communication and conflict resolution strategy will quickly become your “go to.” (Am I too much of a Star Wars and Star Trek nerd? I may use too many of these analogies in my programs… food for future thought.)
Sandwich the criticism – hold the mayo
Now, remember this is a two-way conversation. Voicing your concern can often sound like criticism. Before saying anything critical, you’ll want to say something positive.
“Babe, < really positive thing here > but sometimes when you < insert bad thing here >, I feel like < explain feelings > , and close the statement with something else positive or complimentary.”
Here’s an example
“Babe, I know you work really hard every day, but when you interrupt me all the time, it makes me feel like my opinions don’t matter to you. Can you try to let me finish talking, ‘cause I want to tell you about my day too.”
What if he’s drunk? Or what if I’m drunk?
Hmmmmm. Well, who’s drunk? You or him? Actually, it doesn’t matter. When you’re communicating with your partner about something that is bothering one or both of you, it’s important that you both have a clear head. In the history of humankind, no relationship argument has ever ended well when alcohol or drugs are involved.
Alcohol or drugs call for an immediate “time out” for both parties. Come back to the table when everybody is sober (and not hungover by the way).
So here’s how you deal with an argument brewing when your partner has had a little too much of the sauce.
“Babe, I know what you’re saying is really important, and it’s something we absolutely need to talk about. I just think tomorrow is a better time to have this talk. Not right now, because you’re not thinking clearly. Let’s just have “time out” and we’ll talk this out tomorrow.”
If he persists, do your best to ignore him, go sleep in the guest room, or just go somewhere else.
Now, here’s what I want you to do
Step 1 – Get your partner to agree that the Anger Deflator/Time Out strategy will be the plan moving forward
Don’t wait until your next disagreement or argument to explain the concept of “time out” to your partner. Go ahead and let him know about the Anger Deflator/Time Out strategy now, so he’s not surprised when you say “Time Out” and leave the room the next time you have an argument. (WTF just happened? Did she say “Time Out” and walk out on me?)
Step 2 – Practice the Sandwich the Criticism technique
You can literally write out the compliments that you want to sandwich around the criticism. Depending on how long you’ve been with your partner, this technique may take some practice. Don’t hesitate to stand in front of a mirror and rehearse what you’re going to say. Try not to worry about sounding rehearsed or artificial, because when you talk to him your feelings will come through.
Step 3 – Give this new strategy some time
Rome wasn’t built in a day. Don’t assume that this will just work perfectly the first time, and don’t get discouraged if this takes a little time to sink in for you both. Repeat steps 1 and 2 in subsequent arguments to build it as an ongoing practice.
Step 4 – Check in with your partner
Do this during the quiet, non-combative times. How does he feel about the time out strategy? Is the timeframe too short or too long? Does he have thoughts on how to improve for you both? Remind him during these checkins how proud of him you are that he’s committed to working on your relationship.
