Carolyn was exhausted from working a long shift at the hospital. As an ER doctor, she was used to working under stressful conditions, and wanted to come home to a quiet, relaxing house.
When she got home, her husband, Harry, was asleep on the couch. His mouth was open, with drool dripping all the way down to his chin. Carolyn looked at him and started thinking about how much he had changed in their years together.
He used to be so handsome. Now, he’s a little bit overweight and doesn’t tuck in his shirt unless he’s going somewhere special. And he doesn’t pick up after himself anymore. Carolyn tried to remember if Harry ever picked up after himself. Surely he did.
Carolyn bumped into the TV dinner tray, knocking it over, spilling Harry’s dinner and tepid beer on the floor.
“Damnit, Harry! Harry, come to bed.” She was frustrated.
“Wha?” He was still half asleep. “How was your shift?”
“It was okay. Busy.”
Harry sensed the tension in his wife’s voice and immediately stood up and put his arms around her, pulling her in tight so she could feel his heartbeat next to hers. “Carolyn, you can talk to me. I’m here to listen.”
Carolyn burst into tears and collapsed on the couch. Sobbing, she told Harry about the bus accident and the children’s lives she saved. And the lives she wasn’t able to save. And how awful it was to share the news with parent after parent. How there was a sick feeling of guilt in her gut when she thought about her own kids at home, safely tucked in bed.
Harry just listened, and did his best to make Carolyn feel appreciated, both as a doctor and his wife. “You have the biggest heart of anyone I know. I’m so proud of you. You’re an incredible doctor.”
Carolyn realized that Harry was still the man she first fell in love with. He may have aged and gained weight. And yes he was a damn slob. But he was still the only man who knew how to listen to her and make her feel safe, secure, respected, and appreciated.
In my 10+ years as a relationship expert, I’ve received emails from thousands of women from all over the world who ask, “Where is my Prince Charming? When will he show up?”
Here’s the truth.
It’s unreasonable to expect perfection from any man. It’s unrealistic—and downright torturous—to expect any man to be perfect. When you expect to find a man who “checks all the boxes,” you will be looking for a really long time. The statistical likelihood of you finding someone who meets all of your requirements is very low. If you always view a man as lacking some qualities (aka, “missing some of the check marks,”) then he’ll never be good enough.
Beyond that, having crazy expectations means that you’ll miss out on achieving the kind of love that can endure decades. Your man will never feel comfortable revealing his feelings and flaws to you unless you free him from unreasonable expectations of perfection.
Imagine Carolyn and Harry’s relationship if he were a “perfect” man after all those years of marriage. Wouldn’t it be exhausting to keep a “perfect” man happy, while going through college and medical school, and raising kids together?
I think you know the answer.
This is why you need to let go of the Perfection Lie (or at the very least, changing your definition of perfection.) No one is asking you to settle. You’re awesome and you shouldn’t settle for less than you deserve. But think about what expectations for a partner are reasonable.
Now, before I give you the steps to let go of Prince Charming (and stop expecting perfection from your man), I want to make sure that you completed the “I Like Myself” Game I talk about in Module 4. This is crucial.
Why?
Because as I said earlier, before you can truly love anyone else you need to love yourself.
Now, the story above was about a woman who started off disappointed that her husband wasn’t everything he “should be.” She came to understand that their love had evolved and her husband truly respects, loves and “gets” her. What more could she want?
In the following (true) story, Michelle comes to grips with the realization that she had been focused on all the wrong traits in her “Prince Charming.”
Michelle and Thomas had been college friends for a few years. They went out to restaurants together, saw concerts and movies together, and even sat in the library together for hours while studying for finals. She would call him late at night to ask his opinion about a new angle for a research paper. Michelle grilled Thomas to prepare him for his thesis interview. They just clicked.
There was an unspoken spark—some flirting here and there—but for some reason they always kept things in “the friend zone.” One of Michelle’s friends asked her once, “Are you guys getting serious? Making plans for the future?” Michelle was shocked. “He’s not my type. You know what I’m looking for in a man!” Michelle knew her type! She had always envisioned a 6-foot-3-inch-tall, white guy from the East Coast. Ideally a medical student.
After graduation, Thomas was offered a job with an investment firm in Europe. Thomas stopped by her apartment to say goodbye before his flight. “I have to go,” he said, but he lingered.
“I know,” Michelle whispered through her tears. She realized that this was love. They were in love and he was leaving and she had been afraid to see what was right in front of her this whole time.
And then he was gone.
Ugh.
It’s heart-wrenching, isn’t it? Here was this wonderful guy, right in front of her for years. With her. He was there for her. They were there for each other.
But she didn’t see it. How could she? Thomas wasn’t tall enough. He wasn’t athletic. He wasn’t what she thought she wanted. Michelle didn’t know that what she needed from a man would come to her in a completely different package. Because she was holding out for “Prince Charming” she had closed off all other possibilities.
So THIS is why, if you’re single and looking, you need to know what characteristics you want in a partner.
Why? Because that’s the only way to know it when you see it. Here’s what you’re going to do next.
Step 1 – Make a list of the qualities you want in a partner.
When you’re making your list, peel back the curtain and get past superficial qualities. Of course, handsome and smart are obvious desirable qualities, but you want to go deeper.
His hair color, eye color, and height aren’t nearly as important as his personality, sense of humor and your common interests.
- What are your overlapping interests? (politics, comedy, camping, bicycling, etc.)
- What does he do for fun when you’re not around?
- Is he ambitious and goal oriented, or a “go with the flow” kind of guy? (There’s nothing wrong with either of these, but you want to make sure you’re aligned.)
- Is he a planner or is he spontaneous?
- What about his sense of humor? What is funny to him?
- How does he talk about the women (mother, sister, nieces, colleagues) in his life?
- What makes his blood boil?
- How is he different from you? What to do you like about those differences?
- How does he show you his emotions? Does he show them at all?
Step 2 – Write down your non-negotiables on a sheet of paper, like in this example.
→ I need a man who loves to cuddle and snuggle
→ I need a man who will make me laugh every day
→ I need a man who will take out the garbage without being hounded
Now, look at everything you’ve written. What if you met a guy who checked off all but one or two of those boxes? Would you go on a date with him, even though he’s not your supposed Prince Charming? Of course you would!
Step 3 – Make a genuine commitment to giving more guys a chance.
The next time you meet a guy who checks a few of your boxes, ask yourself, “Could he be the one?” Assure yourself that you sill give them an honest assessment before you toss them out for not taking out the garbage every week without being asked.
Step 4 – If you’re already in a relationship, make a list of the things you like or love about your partner.
Be as detailed as possible. Think of specific events that stick out in your memory…
- The time your heart skipped a beat when he first asked you out
- How you felt when you first figured out you were in love with him
- Moments when he was particularly sensitive and sweet
- Ways he made you feel safe and protected
