Maria sat down in the office chair across from her husband’s desk. She was waiting for John to wrap up his morning so they could go out to lunch. As manager of the publication company, he wore a lot of hats. Wrangling editors, conjuring up advertisers, keeping writers and sales staff happy. Bossing people around, basically.
When she saw him “in his element,” she realized that watching him wielding all this power was a turn on. It made her remember a time years ago, when they shared an office. Back then they had little inside jokes and flirtations. Their office romance had been a secret. They would meet up at Maria’s apartment during the lunch hour for hot, passionate lovemaking sessions.
Right in this moment—even after two children and years of marriage—Maria felt a pang in her heart as a hot rush of excitement rushed through her body. “Hey, Hon. Wanna sneak in a nooner like the old days?”
Now, remember earlier I said that being in limerence is like being on drugs. It’s like a drug, isn’t it? But unlike with heroin, you can give your brain (and your relationship) little hits of limerence and remain a functioning human being.
Regardless of how long you’ve been in a relationship, there are many things that you can do to get those little bursts of limerence back into your relationship.
Here are some ideas to get you started
Roleplay Prior History and Early Relationship Dynamics
In the opening story, Maria didn’t intentionally set up the scene in which she was reminded of old times with John, but that situation brought back a rush of welcome romantic and sexual feelings. Maria can create future scenarios where John has authority to manage people. This might be coaching the kid’s little league team or manning the grill at a weekend barbeque.
You, too, can recapture those feelings when you recreate the situations and dynamics that existed when you were in limerence. Get creative. What sort of early relationship dynamics can you recreate? Where were you and what were you doing when you had your best sex? Make it happen again!
Time Away from “Noise”
Yes, you love your kids. You’re dedicated to your job. You both have a lot going on. But if you want to keep a spark alive in your relationship (or relight the limerence), you need to make your time together as a couple a priority. Take time to get away from distractions and responsibilities. Make “date night” nonnegotiable. Protect this time ferociously, like a mother protects her cubs. If you can take vacations together, all the better. (I know this isn’t always possible when you have kids, but if you have friends and family you can trust, take advantage and get away.) If this just isn’t possible, find out if your local daycare center or bouncy-house place has a Parents Night Out. Most of these places will watch and entertain your kiddos for five or six hour chunks. It’s better to have regular “noise-free” time than to wait all year for one grand vacation.
Unplug
Put the phone down. Close the laptop and power down the tablet. Here’s why: Your text messages, emails, and social media updates can wait. Look up from the phone and look him in the eyes. Your time with your partner is precious. If you feel that you are worthy of worship, devotion and attention, then you should be willing to reciprocate and give your affection to him. Talk about your days, ask him questions, or simply sit and enjoy the silence. The reasons you fell in limerence with him in the first place are right there in front of you. Open your eyes and you’ll see them.
Do New Things
Stuck in a rut? Try doing something new together. It could be as simple as taking up banjo lessons, joining a softball team, or learning to tango. As long as it’s different for both of you, you’ll find new things to talk about and ideas to explore together.
Pattern Interrupts
Make a list of areas of your life that have fallen into deep, predictable patterns. Think about ways to change up parenting, cooking, TV watching, standard date night, holiday routines, chores, or any other deeply established routines. Don’t be afraid to shake things up!
See if you can think of at least 10 patterns, then set out to break them all in the next 4 to 6 weeks. You will see a major difference if you do.
| Pattern | Interrupt |
| Playing on your phone right before bed | Make the last hour before bedtime a device-free zone. |
| Meatloaf Tuesdays | Good grief, stop eating meatloaf on Tuesday—or maybe ever. Meatloaf is not sex food. Oysters? Tacos? Change it up! |
| Date night | Switch up the day, or the activities, or the length, or the frequency. Is date night always dinner and a movie? Change it up. Go to the theater or a museum. Play kickball at the park. Do it different! Be goofy. |
| Parenting routines | Does he usually take the kids to school in the mornings? Trade off sometimes. He’ll appreciate the extra free time in the mornings. |
Don’t Take Him for Granted
He works hard. He’s a phenomenal father. He’s dedicated to caring for his parents. He was there for you when you lost your job. Make a list of ten qualities in your lover that you sometimes take for granted. Now, think about ways that you can show your appreciation for his positive qualities. Will you appreciate him verbally or sexually? Both?
Important Caveat
My ideas for kicking up the fire are going to work for a lot of couples (and I know this to be true, because I’ve gotten loads of feedback from women just like you who have successfully implemented my techniques over the years).
Of course, every couple and situation is going to be different. Maybe you live in a rural environment and nature is your jam. Or maybe you’re both really into amusement parks and thrill rides. Or horror movies! OMG, what about board games? (Okay, I’m a nerd.) The options are somewhat endless.
Can you think of some of your own? Really take the time to consider and write them down. The more you thoughtfully brainstorm, the more fuel you can add to the smoldering limerence flame.
