There we were, sitting on the couch. I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed out from some health issues, and things happening with my business. It felt like the world was caving in on me and I almost couldn’t breathe.
Angie, my wife, was sitting next to me and she said “It’s okay, Honey, it’s going to be okay.”
But words weren’t enough. My mind was racing like a bronco on meth, and I needed something to quiet the noise. This time I needed to feel okay. Angie stood up, and for a split second I thought she was walking away. “Where are you going?” I cried.
“I’m here,” she said quietly. She stood up and looked down at me. For a moment I felt so small, almost like a child. She reached down and wrapped her arms around me, pulling my head towards her chest. She breathed deeply, and I could hear her heartbeat echo through my ears. A surge of oxytocin burst through my veins, and instantly I began to relax; my pulse slowing down to match hers. I sank into her chest and I felt an emotion I can only describe as safe and warm and loved and vulnerable all in one.
This is why I love her. This is why I worship her. She knew exactly what I needed and she gave it to me.
Yes, sometimes men can be overbearing, selfish assholes. But we have so many roles to maintain (husband/partner, provider, parent, protector) that sometimes the masks we wear crack and peel off. Ladies, when this happens, don’t think of your man as weak or impotent.
His vulnerability and flaws are very powerful when you choose to embrace them. Men crave the softness and warmth that a hug provides. If you think about it, our culture tends to automatically attach physical affection with sexual intention. That’s why you rarely see two men hugging each other. “Oh, they must be gay!” And when a man hugs a woman, it’s assumed he wants to have sex with her. It’s not always the case.
We need—and are capable of—genuine affection. Just give us a chance, okay?
When he’s had a rough day …
When he’s quiet and introspective, staring off into space …
Don’t ask him what he’s thinking. (Men hate that.)
Don’t try to come up with an activity or fill the silence with your voice.
This hug is what he needs. He’ll talk when he’s ready.
Here’s how to do this simple, yet powerful hug.
This works best when you’re standing and he’s sitting down, but of course when he needs it, you’re not going to be able to script it out like a scene in a movie. You might need to adapt somewhat, depending on the situation.
- Approach him and pull his head to your chest (ideally when he’s sitting down).
- Wrap your arms around him like you would a child.
- Breathe slowly, and deeply
- If it feels right in the moment, tell him (don’t force it if it seems weird)
- Let him know,. “Everything is going to be OK.”
- Let him know he can share his feelings with you, free of judgement. “You can talk to me about anything when you’re ready.”
- Stroke his head.
- Hold him for as long as he needs, maybe even longer. Both of your bodies will experience a surge of oxytocin and he’ll begin to relax.
Remember all the times when someone gave you a hug at the exact moment you needed it. How did it make you feel? Wasn’t the weight immediately lifted off of your shoulders? You have the steps here. Now, a visualization exercise will help you nail this hug.
And here’s a great visualization exercise.
Think of a time when your man was stressed out or overwhelmed. Visualize yourself giving him this hug in that moment. Now, imagine giving him this hug the next time he needs it. How will he feel in your arms? Can you hear his breathing slow down? Do you hear the deep sigh of relief? Do you softly cradle him so you can hold onto him longer?
Your perfect hug will make your man feel comforted and loved, so put real effort into this visualization exercise. The payoff here is huge. Remember the boomerang effect we talked about earlier? The more love and affection you give, the more you get in return. #Hug goals.
Though some of the best hugs take place in complete silence, here are some things you can say if it feels right.
- I love you.
- I’m proud of you.
- You’re a good << husband, provider, father >>
- You’re doing a great job. I know this isn’t easy.
