Three Words to Say When You Feel Like He’s Pulling Away from You, So He’ll Never Pull Away Again.
In my years of doing this whole relationship advice thingy, I’ve done hundreds of radio interviews, gotten thousands of letters and emails. . . And probably THE most common question women ask me is this. . .
“Mike, what do I say when I can feel him slipping away from me? He’s pulling away and I don’t know how to bring him back.”
I’ve got the answer for you. Now, it’s a little different for women who are dating/in a new relationship and for women who are married or with a long term boyfriend. So I’m going to break it down two scenarios. Cool? Cool.
Married or In a Relationship Example. . .
Jeff opened the front door, took off his shoes, and threw his computer bag on the hallway table.
“Hey,” said Jeff as he crossed over to give his wife Kate a kiss on the cheek.
“Hon, you look exhausted. Did something happen at work?”
Jeff let out a long, slow, sigh. “Yeah. . . I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
“Okay, well, I ordered takeout since we both worked late. Thai food, your favorite!” Kate said. They ate quietly while watching tv. But no matter how much she tried to put it out of her mind, Kate couldn’t stop worrying about what was going on with Jeff. After what felt like hours (was only about ten minutes), she decided she wanted answers.
“Babe. . . Babe. . . Babe. . .” Kate’s voice became shrill as she struggled to get Jeff’s attention.
“Yeah. Sorry, what?” Jeff slowly turned his head away from the television.
“What’s going on with you? I tried to ask you about what happened at work, and you shut down. Talk to me. What are you thinking?”
Jeff sat silently for a few moments. He looked back at the tv, picked up the remote control and turned off the tv. He got up and said, “I’m going to bed. I can’t talk right now.”
“What just happened?” Kate asked herself. “Okay, don’t freak out. Just give him space.”
Kate walked into the bedroom, took off her clothes and slid into her nightgown. She lay down next to Jeff and put her hand on his arm. “Hey,” she whispered.
“What?” Jeff asked. He was tired, exasperated, and not looking for an argument.
“I just want you to know. . . I appreciate you. Everything you do,” she said. “We’ll talk when you’re ready, okay?”
“Okay,” Jeff breathed a sigh of relief. “I love you, baby. G’night.”
“Love you too, night babe.”
**
It’s Mike, back again! I’m not crying, YOU’RE CRYING! But seriously. . .
Appreciation.
There’s that word again. She could have said “I admire you,” or “I respect you,” but in this situation, Jeff just needed to feel appreciated by somebody. In our example, Kate had gotten dangerously close to pushing Jeff even further away. As we talk about throughout Make Him Worship You, sometimes men just don’t want to talk. Or they haven’t put their thoughts into words yet.
“I appreciate you,” expresses empathy. You can appreciate his effort. His work. His love for your family.
As long as you’re sincere, saying “I appreciate you,” will immediately shorten the distance between you.
But What If. . . ? Okay, you might be thinking, “Um, Mike, if I’m in a new relationship, or just starting to date a new guy, doesn’t ‘I appreciate you,’ or ‘I admire you,’ sound a little… I don’t know, creepy?”
Yeah, it does. If you start slinging around words like “admiration” or “appreciation” on the third of fourth date, your guy is going to start having questions about whether or not you could devolve into an all out bunny boiler.
So we’re going to “buffer” admiration, respect, and appreciation with a sexier, coded word. So if you’re single or in a fairly new relationship, keep on reading!
Women Who Are Single/Dating
Jen sat at the bar at the agreed meeting place. Of course, she didn’t think a sports bar was the ideal place for their fourth date. Her third date with Matt was just three days ago. . . Three. Agonizing. Long. Days. She picked up a matchbook from a stack on the bar. “He’s late…” she thought to herself as she gazed at her reflection in the mirror behind the rows of half-empty liquor bottles. “Late. His dating profile said he’s always on time. He’s made a point to be early for the past three dates. And now, after I’ve had sex with him, he’s ten minutes late for this date,”
Jen could feel herself careening into panic mode. “Damnit, Jen. Stop. He’s ten minutes late. Stuff happens,” she tried to calm herself. But she’d been here before. Not here, here. Not this bar. But this feeling of abandonment, fear, uncertainty… was all too familiar.
“Hey,” she felt a tap on her shoulder. It was Matt.
“Heeey!” she said as she waved him to the barstool next to her. As Matt sat down, she noticed that he didn’t scoot his seat closer to hers. He immediately ordered his drink and peeked at his phone. This was not the body language of a man who was feeling magnetically attracted to her. This was not the man who had slowly, deliberately, ripped off her clothes and ravaged her body just three nights earlier. “Oh crap,” thought Jen. “He’s pulling away. I slept with him too soon. Or maybe I made him wait too long? Is he playing games with me? Of course! All this messaging back and forth just to set up this date. I had to twist his arm!”
Then she remembered something she’d heard about recently. “I wonder if it’ll work. . .”
As Matt ordered his drink, Jen steeled herself. Reaching deep down into her bag of tricks, she pulled out a secret weapon. (Verbal weapon, silly, we’re all nice here.)
“Matt,” she said, looking him squarely in the eyes.
“Yeah?”
“I envy you,” she said plainly.
“You what?” Matt asked, slightly confused. On the drive to the bar he was wondering how to handle Jen. He hadn’t been sure if Jen was looking for a boyfriend or just something physical. The sex was wildly hot, and he felt like possibly planting the seeds of a relationship. But Jen seemed out of his league. Maybe she just wants something casual, with no strings? Maybe she’s not looking for a boyfriend like it said on her online profile. He didn’t want to reveal too much and feel exposed or dumb.
“You envy me? Why?”
“Your confidence,” Jen said as she used her ring finger to lightly stroke the top of his hand. “It seems like you know what you want, and aren’t afraid to come out and say it. So, let me ask you a question. And there’s no wrong answer. . . Are you interested in seeing where this goes? Or maybe just keeping this physical? ”
Matt took a long, slow, sip of his beer as he contemplated his answer. Before arriving, he had been planning on watching the hockey game, but this talk of envy piqued his attention.
“I had a really good time the other night. It was intense. I’m in a ‘no pressure, no strings’ state of mind. I’m open to seeing where it goes. How about you?” he asked, as he slid his barstool closer to hers.
“YES!” Jenn screamed silently to herself. On the outside, however, she kept a calm and collected demeanor. “Cool, I’m thinking the same thing,” Jenn said. “Tell me about your day.”
The Power of Envy
Envy. It’s a loaded word that packs a lot of punch. Envy is an original sin AND it’s a four letter word, making it doubly naughty.
But seriously, all kidding aside. Envy is (in this context) a good word. What Jen is really expressing is admiration. Envy is Admiration’s first cousin. And men love to be admired, respected, appreciated, and adored. . . Using the word envy here gives Matt the impression that he has something Jen wants. He thinks he’s got power. Men love power.
Now, notice Jen follows up with a good answer. She envies Matt’s confidence. And if prodded, she should be able to cite an example of something she saw Matt handle confidently.
The word envy is not expected. Now, you don’t really have to envy anything about him. You’re really just saying something you like about him.
When you say to a man, “I envy you,” he will almost always ask “Why?”
Now that you have his attention, be prepared to tap into his need for Appreciation, Respect, and Empathy. Here’s a little homework, so you’re prepared for wherever talk of Envy, Admiration, or Appreciation takes you. If you’re married or in a long term relationship, make a list of things that you appreciate about your partner.
Then make a list of things you admire about him.
And a list of things you respect about him.
Now, if you’re single, or newly dating, make a list of his positive qualities. Be prepared to talk about them.
Example: “I envy you… the way you handled that rude driver. Lots of guys would’ve gone full road rage. But you kept your cool.”
